It's been about three or four weeks that I've been struggling between sleepless nights and not waning to get out of bed in the morning. It's been about two weeks where I've felt the blunt of my depression come back with the loss of two very close friends. I don't like to talk about it because I dont' like making myself vulnerable. But finally, for the first time since this all began, I breathed.
As I finished writing the last few words of encouragement I could manage to someone I love, I realized how empty I've been myself. But I've also realized how full the emptiness has made me-- in a positive way, I mean to say.
I've had so very little to give lately. I've honestly, truthfully felt like every day I'm running on fumes, just kind of holding on-barely-making-it-barely-sane status. But I've managed... well I should say He's manged me.
He's upheld me.
I say those three words with the deepest sincerity in my heart and soul.
Because tonight I finally realized
just how much I've been able to give to others lately. I've been running on empty, but even when
I've felt like I've got nothing left to give, God's supplied enough to give out. And tonight, after pressing "Send" and laying back on my bed I gave the last drop. But even as I did, I felt like He held me, slowly, comfortingly poured in just enough to hold on for the night. Slowly, painfully, picked up my fragmenting pieces and put them back into place so I could hold just enough.
He gave me manna for one more day.
Just enough. He's been giving me
just enough every single day. And every day I've had to rely on him to supply me with just what I need.
I've given hope, given strength, given advice, given help. I've given time, given patience, given encouragement. I've given all these things so that it's been
just enough.
Tonight I realized what just enough has meant. I've given everything I have without holding back,to those around me, and I've desperately sincerely come back to God for more every night.
And I've learned to listen, even if He may have nothing to say. I am hanging on every word He says, every breath He breathes... and somewhere in the stillness I begin breathing again.
P.S This song has been on repeat for a while now
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight, spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing, is where I want to be, yeah
Where I want to be
I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and
I'm
Trying to identify the voices in my head, God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive
And break these calluses off of me, one more time
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside your door
And listen to you breathing, is where I want to be, yeah
I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting for the scraps
To fall off your table to the ground
'Cause I just want to be here now
//'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing, is where I want to be, yeah//
Where I want to be
Where I want to be
