Darn it it's late

I used to have this blog bookmarked in my old google chrome browser which no longer works for me for whatever reason. It was easy to check the page daily and Injust never got around to adding it on Microsoft Edge. Well I finally, did, and also got the app for my phone which is what I'm using right now.
I caught up with Alexis' posts, and oops.
I thought I should post a little something.
Currently:
Not looking forward to the morning, which would be a few hours from now. We're going to Snyder (sp?) TX to visit my bro in jail and it's such a long drive. Dreading it purely for the drive there, I guess I don't mind seeing my bro. I feel really guilty tho cause I am bad at writing letters to him. I don't really know what to say.
Okay I'm tired, that was short, but I'll write more next time.

"See you soon, I promise."

"And then one day soon you won't have to leave anymore."

26 Hours

And I'll finally be reunited with him. How fast can I make 26 hours go? I feel like of all days this one should be skipped. I want so badly to be on the road, but then I realize those 5 hours will seem like the 26 put together.
We laughed our heads off last night being silly with words that roll off the tongue. Perhaps we just wanted to hide the anxiety underneath. We've been waiting for over a month for this, and finally it's just around the corner. We exchange I love you's and fade into silence. Sweet dreams, don't leave, stay, don't go, why aren't you here, why aren't I there; please, stay. So I stay, so he stays, and we let sleep drown us. We wake in the darkness, quiet reminders. Sleep. Nerves. Anxiety. Excitement.
I'm meeting his parents in the evening. Or rather, they wanted to meet me. And that is always a positive step forward.
My dad got s bit emotional. My mom's trying to be resilient. He and I are gathering wit and strength. 26 hours left.

An Open Letter to My Ex

I don't resent you, however long that took me to admit. The funny thing is that for a while I continued to wonder who's fault it had been, as if figuring it out would make much of s difference. Peace perhaps? Closure? Something I never really had. Yeah we said a few things, final remarks, but I always felt like there was a vein open somewhere and I was slowly dripping away. But time is a great suture and I found the courage to sow it up. I burned bridges and watch them go up in smoke. 

I wanted to say a million things, sometimes out of spite some out of pain, but over a year and a half later, even if you never read this I have a few things to say:

I hope that you find what you're looking for. I hope that what choices you make are always your own and that you have a clean conscience doing them. I hope that whatever you were looking for in God, you've found. And I hope that you've grown to understand who you are and what He wants in you.

I hope you learn what love is. I hope when God brings you your future partner, you have grown to understand compassion, patience, and sacrifice. I hope you've learned to appreciate little things like letters, falling asleep together during a phonecall, holding hands for the sake of holding them, long embraces, sitting together quietly listening to heartbeats. I hope you know that love is never pushing someone through guilt but waiting for them to be comfortable. That promises are promises and should be held closely. I hope your family loves her. I hope she genuine supports your dreams, prays for your fears, and comforts your frustrations. I hope you hold her close and spoil her. I hope you give her all your heart not just what's convenient or enough. I hope she endures. I pray she makes you happy and holds you close and you can be proud of her and her of you. I hope you both reach your dreams, and I hope you both live.

As I write this I myself realize how long it's taken me to appreciate similar. How I too had to mature. How I had to be understanding and kind and compassionate. I too had to learn to love again. I hope you know that for now, I am happy. That now I have someone who provides with love, patience, support and dreams. And you know... You were right, God always comes through with exactly what you need. I found my agape, who looks into my eyes and loves me unconditionally. You were right, God must've known. And so, I thank you.

Despite the crap that became the end of us, it was the catalyst used to promote growth and to guide me into Gods's greater plan with him. 

And so, though you may never read this, I pray that you're safe and happy and loved. If you haven't yet felt that as I have once again, it's all I can hope for you. Find it. Hold it close. Nurture it. Love. Because when it's there, I promise it will be beautiful.

My First Last Day of School

I found it really difficult to put packaging tape over the last box today as I packed up my classroom. What I thought would be a big relief was mixed with a lot of sad emotions. I remembered, putting away some of my student's things, that they saw my classroom as a place they could run away from reality for a little while. It was a place they felt at home, and many of them would often come for that simple fact. While it was always a place that pushed them to go beyond their expectations, I also did my best to make it somewhere that understood where they came from. These kids quickly went from students to family in my eyes.
I believed, down to my core, and still believe, that these kids will go far. I know, some of them will not, but I hold on to that perspective of them which sees the best they have to offer this crazy world.
Packing up letters, thank you notes, pictures, and drawings, I was reminded how important it was to invest in these kids outside of classroom hours. I did things for them which left many of them silent. I stayed late hearing them talk about life, work, love, and their plans after high school. I stayed to watch them grow. And I spent time, money, and heart growing them.
I remembered, as I put away the last board game, how game nights quickly became family nights, and how it was really about how we could spend just a little more time together. They saw a real person behind their teacher, and I saw a real heart behind the student.
I'm gonna miss these kids, because not only were they my first set of kids, they showed me what real teaching is all about... love.
At the end of the day, when it's all said and done, if "ya ain't got love, nigga, you aint got nothin'." (':