You could say it a thousand times, even a million, and never truly mean anything with those words. You can flatter and promise and swear, but leave your words in the wind. Some things are simply better acted on then said. I can count the number of times we've said those words out loud. But I can't fit into a hand the hours of engaged conversation, the times we've laughed and joked, the timed we've shared our strengths and weaknesses. We could have filled our texts and conversations with empty three word phrases, but instead we chose to share our lives-- instead, we choose to take an active interest, your passion is mine and I know mine is yours. When I hurt it hurts him, and when he hurts it hurts me-- so we try to keep the peace, be strong, and put one foot in front of the other for both of us.
When actions speak, words can be secondary. You don't have to hear it said every day or every hour because you know it. In the depths of tour being you feel and see the action, the choice reciprocated.
We share because we want to. And in the quiet, "I love you" doesn't need to be said because it's always shown, always alive.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Cold Start, Warm End
God dang man...
I hate two faced people. You don't even know how frustrating that is to me. And then when you have that person basically trying to butter you up and act all cool like nothing happened. Man... they're out of there.
Get out of there.
Get.
Leave.
Hah...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm 200% done with the drama people have stirred up for no reason whatsoever. People are looking for mountains where there are no molehills to begin with. I gotta admit, it's pretty sad that they feel the need to try and ruin other people's lives just out of spite. But I suppose immaturity will run rampant forever.
On a different note (because Ruby has been asking for detaaaaails) haha, I don't know what there is to say. Let's see... I'll hopefully see him on Wednesday, although it will have to be toned down like 1000 notches because well... church people talk. We gotta play cool. We will have to talk with our eyes. That will be interesting.
I've also gotta say how comfortable I am talking to him. It's as if... no... it is the fact that I don't have to try with him. Everything is natural. Everything just kinda flows without much effort and force. If we talk it's because we want to and because we can. When we can't, well, it's just as cool. After all, we're adults ,and busy, and we understand that.
He is interested in my passions. He assures my fears and builds on my strengths and weaknesses. He isn't afraid to tell me the truth; he steps up. We try to "vibe" together as he says. And we are, so far at least.
I'm comfortable. I feel happy when I hear from him, but I feel secure. He hasn't given me a reason to doubt him. He's been one faced and honest from the start.
I had a really hard time admitting to myself... well... it wasn't that it was hard, it was that I wasn't sure if I believed it myself until I realized it could be nothing else.
I love him.
There, I said it. (You can laugh and squeal now, Ruby. Haha.)
But I do. I love the way he dreams big and works hard; the way he talks so eloquently but still manages to talk real talk... street talk... my talk. I love the way he loves what I love, and how he makes me think even deeper about life, God, family, friends, and all the important things that matter to the both of us. I love that he's firm, stubborn, decided, and makes me feel that I can count on his stability even if he feels he's not all that stable.
But I'm getting silly now. And even though I've been told "it would be weird if you didnt feel anything" silly is a funny feeling. But I suppose it's not the worst of things. We'll see how this goes.
Just putting one foot in front of the other.
Thinking big picture, long term. And I swore I saw my parents half smile when I spoke about him.
I hate two faced people. You don't even know how frustrating that is to me. And then when you have that person basically trying to butter you up and act all cool like nothing happened. Man... they're out of there.
Get out of there.
Get.
Leave.
Hah...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm 200% done with the drama people have stirred up for no reason whatsoever. People are looking for mountains where there are no molehills to begin with. I gotta admit, it's pretty sad that they feel the need to try and ruin other people's lives just out of spite. But I suppose immaturity will run rampant forever.
On a different note (because Ruby has been asking for detaaaaails) haha, I don't know what there is to say. Let's see... I'll hopefully see him on Wednesday, although it will have to be toned down like 1000 notches because well... church people talk. We gotta play cool. We will have to talk with our eyes. That will be interesting.
I've also gotta say how comfortable I am talking to him. It's as if... no... it is the fact that I don't have to try with him. Everything is natural. Everything just kinda flows without much effort and force. If we talk it's because we want to and because we can. When we can't, well, it's just as cool. After all, we're adults ,and busy, and we understand that.
He is interested in my passions. He assures my fears and builds on my strengths and weaknesses. He isn't afraid to tell me the truth; he steps up. We try to "vibe" together as he says. And we are, so far at least.
I'm comfortable. I feel happy when I hear from him, but I feel secure. He hasn't given me a reason to doubt him. He's been one faced and honest from the start.
I had a really hard time admitting to myself... well... it wasn't that it was hard, it was that I wasn't sure if I believed it myself until I realized it could be nothing else.
I love him.
There, I said it. (You can laugh and squeal now, Ruby. Haha.)
But I do. I love the way he dreams big and works hard; the way he talks so eloquently but still manages to talk real talk... street talk... my talk. I love the way he loves what I love, and how he makes me think even deeper about life, God, family, friends, and all the important things that matter to the both of us. I love that he's firm, stubborn, decided, and makes me feel that I can count on his stability even if he feels he's not all that stable.
But I'm getting silly now. And even though I've been told "it would be weird if you didnt feel anything" silly is a funny feeling. But I suppose it's not the worst of things. We'll see how this goes.
Just putting one foot in front of the other.
Thinking big picture, long term. And I swore I saw my parents half smile when I spoke about him.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
March 12th, 2016
Captain's log
....
...
,...
I'm soooo tireddddd man. I've been out most of the day shopping and at Dave and Buster's and my feets hurt. I upgraded my phone, also. I'm too tired to mess with the neat virtual reality goggles it came with.
Alexis says she's the only one who posts and I suppose that's mostly true but I've just been writing in my diary. My diary gets all the attention, and mainly because I can gush about David all I want in there.I'm kind of milking this crush thing to be honest. If he were to read anything I write about him I'd probably look like a cazy chick and he'd want to stay 500 miles away from me.
He also hasn't replied to my text. I hope it wasn't lost in the airwaves as I switched to the new phone... That would be traagic. Or maybe he doesn't want to do anything after all and no response means no though I rather he'd just ay no and not leave me hanging and speculating as to what could be going on.
I'm so tired dude. I just wanna, lie down. Lay down? I don't freakin' know.
Night night
....
...
,...
I'm soooo tireddddd man. I've been out most of the day shopping and at Dave and Buster's and my feets hurt. I upgraded my phone, also. I'm too tired to mess with the neat virtual reality goggles it came with.
Alexis says she's the only one who posts and I suppose that's mostly true but I've just been writing in my diary. My diary gets all the attention, and mainly because I can gush about David all I want in there.I'm kind of milking this crush thing to be honest. If he were to read anything I write about him I'd probably look like a cazy chick and he'd want to stay 500 miles away from me.
He also hasn't replied to my text. I hope it wasn't lost in the airwaves as I switched to the new phone... That would be traagic. Or maybe he doesn't want to do anything after all and no response means no though I rather he'd just ay no and not leave me hanging and speculating as to what could be going on.
I'm so tired dude. I just wanna, lie down. Lay down? I don't freakin' know.
Night night
Monday, March 7, 2016
A Draft from 8 Months Ago
I guess because I hadn't realized I had this saved...
Looking back...
It made me smile...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't know why I'm always surprised when I get a call from him. I guess maybe I'm not used to being on the receiving end. Sometimes he'll get so frustrated texting i'll get a call right then and there, and I'll pester him for it, because he didn't know if I was busy.
But I answer. Usually, I always answer.
He's an old friend. We go, way back-- back to when 12 year old confusion and frustration was all I knew, and 13 seemed like an impossible age to break for him.
We stopped talking for about a year, things got rough back at home for him. It was always like that, sometimes here and there, sometimes constant, sometimes silence. But he was always first. And when I got those messages, I was always surprised.
Hey
It was usually because he needed advice. Conversations usually turned into arguments between one trying to help and the other trying to justify. In the end it was a draw, both bleeding but happy; we'd learned something that day. Calls were never ended sour at each other.
About a year and a half ago he disappeared. It was a little after I started dating. I didn't hear from him, not really. The last time it was to tell me he hoped it worked out, and that "He better take care of you" story.
I got a message about 3 days after it all ended. That single Hey.
He'd changed. I cried listening to all the bs he endured for nearly 2 years that we didn't talk. I felt responsible. He said I wasn't to blame."
Looking back...
It made me smile...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't know why I'm always surprised when I get a call from him. I guess maybe I'm not used to being on the receiving end. Sometimes he'll get so frustrated texting i'll get a call right then and there, and I'll pester him for it, because he didn't know if I was busy.
But I answer. Usually, I always answer.
He's an old friend. We go, way back-- back to when 12 year old confusion and frustration was all I knew, and 13 seemed like an impossible age to break for him.
We stopped talking for about a year, things got rough back at home for him. It was always like that, sometimes here and there, sometimes constant, sometimes silence. But he was always first. And when I got those messages, I was always surprised.
Hey
It was usually because he needed advice. Conversations usually turned into arguments between one trying to help and the other trying to justify. In the end it was a draw, both bleeding but happy; we'd learned something that day. Calls were never ended sour at each other.
About a year and a half ago he disappeared. It was a little after I started dating. I didn't hear from him, not really. The last time it was to tell me he hoped it worked out, and that "He better take care of you" story.
I got a message about 3 days after it all ended. That single Hey.
He'd changed. I cried listening to all the bs he endured for nearly 2 years that we didn't talk. I felt responsible. He said I wasn't to blame."
Six Hours
I didn't know how quick six hours could fly by. I guess I don't really know what I thought. I suppose I had built it up in my head for so long that when it actually happened, I didn't know how to react. I felt... like a mixture of happy and surreal. I felt like I was half dreaming. Because I suppose that when you convince yourself of something, it's hard to talk yourself out of it. Or so, that's what I thought until I found myself leaning against a shoulder, against a car, being held, holding, laughing, smiling, dreaming... feeling alive. Six hours was enough to experience something I hadn't ever before. It was enough to feel at home. It was enough to be able to sit there, to listen in silence... and be just... fine...
It was enough to tell me everything, and nothing at all. Enough to say all that I loved, and all that I missed without knowing I missed it.
Funny, all that can grow insix hours ten years.
It was enough to tell me everything, and nothing at all. Enough to say all that I loved, and all that I missed without knowing I missed it.
Funny, all that can grow in
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
On Trying This Again
Okay, I admit, not even I could see this one coming. Talk about out of no where shock to my comfortable world...
I'm talking about an old friend. By old friend, I mean, I've known this person like ten years already. I guess you could say that there was something there in the past, but then it was suddenly decided (not by me) that it was nothing more than platonic. And that's where everything else just kinda.... coasted.
Not to say it was bad. We vibed well. I mean, we talked deep conversations for hours and it felt like minutes. We put in crazy hours over 10 years, you know.
Anyway, over the last couple of months we've been talking.. well... kinda talking. It's been on and off I should say. It was still meaningful conversation, of course, but we were both just too busy to sit down and talk like before. It just wasn't happening.
Needless to say, now it's kind of come at me in one giant wave that things were not what they seemed. That maybe, just maybe... well... more than maybe... this could work out. And I don't mean like, just momentary, I mean big picture.
Heck, I hadn't even brought it up yet and he was like *puts foot down and makes committed decision* deal.
Sorry if I sound childish. I don't take it lightly. I guess I am just still overwhelmed by it.
It makes sense.
But it hasn't sunk in.
I'll see him again in two weeks.
Hopefully.
We're both praying.
Not making a decision yet, but knowing what I want.
This time I'm taking it slow. This time I think it'll be reciprocated.
This time he is taking the lead.
This time I'll follow where HE and he carefully, tenderly lead.
I'm talking about an old friend. By old friend, I mean, I've known this person like ten years already. I guess you could say that there was something there in the past, but then it was suddenly decided (not by me) that it was nothing more than platonic. And that's where everything else just kinda.... coasted.
Not to say it was bad. We vibed well. I mean, we talked deep conversations for hours and it felt like minutes. We put in crazy hours over 10 years, you know.
Anyway, over the last couple of months we've been talking.. well... kinda talking. It's been on and off I should say. It was still meaningful conversation, of course, but we were both just too busy to sit down and talk like before. It just wasn't happening.
Needless to say, now it's kind of come at me in one giant wave that things were not what they seemed. That maybe, just maybe... well... more than maybe... this could work out. And I don't mean like, just momentary, I mean big picture.
Heck, I hadn't even brought it up yet and he was like *puts foot down and makes committed decision* deal.
Sorry if I sound childish. I don't take it lightly. I guess I am just still overwhelmed by it.
It makes sense.
But it hasn't sunk in.
I'll see him again in two weeks.
Hopefully.
We're both praying.
Not making a decision yet, but knowing what I want.
This time I'm taking it slow. This time I think it'll be reciprocated.
This time he is taking the lead.
This time I'll follow where HE and he carefully, tenderly lead.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)