Midnight Ramblings

It's not midnight yet but I'm sure it will be past it by the time I'm done writing this post. I haven't just sat down o type in awhile, and I really been feeling the need.
So anyway. I guess our friendship is no longer. There were no official goodbyes or words spoken, but you don't really need those to figure out our situation. Maybe it will come some time soon, maybe never. Maybe I'm wrong and we'll go back to being friendly with each other. I'd be lying if I said I hope that wasn't the case, but it'd be for the best. And how many things have I tried doing for the best? Actually, quite a few. That wasn't a sarcastic hypothetical question. It's just crazy how much something can change within a few months or half a year.
I feel a lot a relief from not talking to him, but at the same time I just miss him so much. I'm pretty sure that's quite normal though. I was just so used to him being there, so it's weird when he's not. Is he a habit? Can it be broken in 30 days? Has it even been 30 days? No it hasn't. It's been a couple of weeks but it feels like ages. I'm sure he's relieved too, though. I was the bane of his religious beliefs or something.
If it were up to me, we could still be talking to each other in a civil way. A lot of it is/was up to me. But I don't think I can do it, for my mental health's sake. He has established that he does not see me as a friend anymore. But I talked to him anyway. We played games anyway. I still very much considered him a friend. But that's not fair to me. I can not go on talking to him and playing games the way we did and NOT see him as a friend y'know? But I don't want to see him that way anymore. I wish I could, but I can't. I can't continue a one way relationship like that where I'm just useful for entertainment. It's draining, it's frustrating, and I lose way more than what I gain from it. And the thing is, I don't care about losing a little, but I'm just losing too much and people have their limits.
I'm not going to extend SO MUCH of myself for someone who doesn't consider me a friend. Limits.
I guess what I resent the most about him is that he introduced me to Star Wars and I ended up loving it so much and now I have no one to talk to about it. Either my friends aren't fans or don't care enough about it. Lolz.. And no one to sit at a marathon at the movie theater with me.

ok well im starting to get distracted by internet time for me to stop

The Comment that Made Me Remember

I don't think I speak for myself when I say that I struggled with my self esteem for many many years. I was actually one of those kids bullied in elementary school. My family's playful teasing and banter didn't help either, so that by the time I was older the only thing I thought about when I looked at the mirror was how ugly and terrible I felt.

It was almost a year ago that a friend started to only wear skirts. She gave me her reasons for dressing modestly and God calling her to do so. She'd told me how she was always feeling the need to be recognized and accepted for being beautiful, and maybe I just couldn't relate. I cared, don't get me wrong, but I'd gotten to the point where I felt hopeless and helpless. My mirror time was spent criticizing myself and thinking that if I didn't like the way I looked, how would I ever expect anyone else to.

Yesterday one of my private tutoring students stopped me mid class and asked, "You don't ever wear pants, do you?" She smiled and crossed her arms, no I don't, at least not anymore. "Why?" she continued. Well, because I felt God asking me to change, to give it a shot and try. It took me a really long time to agree. I started and stopped, put one foot in and out (I hated skirts and dresses with a passion). But it took several really awkward encounters with men to finally make me just... well... change. 

"You look really pretty, you always look so pretty," she said, "I can't even imagine you with pants anymore, did you ever wear them?" I told her yes, and that I'd tried a few weeks ago only to quickly tear them right off and go back to my skirts (I do love them now, haha). She shook her head, she continued to say that she couldn't even remember me wearing pants, only that I always looked so confident and pretty in skirts and dresses;she laughed when I mentioned that I can now look into the mirror and feel happy with who I am, feel beautiful.

I realized I had a lot more in common with my friend than I thought in wanting to be accepted by myself and others. It seems silly that skinny jeans and tight pants could be anyone's temptation. But you'd be surprised by the looks men give young girls who are showing every bend and curve of their bodies. I was trying to get attention too, and I did, but it never made me feel beautiful. It was never enough and I was never convinced.

And that's why I changed. Because God calls us to dress with modesty, to guard our bodies like we guard our hearts. I haven't been very good with either in many, many respects, but I'm making a change.  I've got a long way to go for sure, but it's progress. I feel beautiful. I can look at myself and think "I... look good!." It's silly, I know, but considering the only thing I ever did before was trash talk who I was, listening to God in this area, clothing myself modestly physically and spiritually through Him, well, that's transformed my mind.

Rehabilitation

I feel better. I guess that's a relative term. After this surgery and the past months of absolute chaos, I feel like I'm finally recuperating. I feel good about where I'm at, I'm happy with myself and I have plans, lots of them.
It took a retreat to remind me what I was supposed to be doing and what I'd wanted to do. I guess I'd gotten lost trying to figure out who I am now. It would be a lie to say that 2 years don't take their mental and emotional toll. But after I came back I made myself let go of a lot of things; painful as they were they made me feel extremely sad and disappointed in myself.
Now with my tonsils out and 2 weeks into my recovery, I've had a lot of time to reassess things. I want to be happy. I want to feel beautiful. I want to be financially stable. I want a home of my own. I want to love again, and be truly loved in return. But most importantly I want a radical crazy trusting and full relationship with God.
A lot of the things on my list aren't quite there yet, aren't even there. But the last, that's building up to be something truly wonderful.
I'm not where I want to be. But I'm getting there. I've lost a lot, but I know for every tear shed there will be a reason and a purpose. I'm not trying to fill a hole anymore. I'm just living life day by day under the growing friendship with my Father. He'd a better physician than I could've ever asked for; and this is perhaps the toughest rehab mentally physically and emotionally. But I'm sure one day I'll be strong enough to reach what I desire... and yes, maybe one day healed to let love bloom again.

Chillax, Chick

My last post was not made yesterday (Monday) but I edited to put a tag on it and had to republish it. I think it's because I edited on mobile, because if it does that on the pc browser that's just dumb. Anyhoozle,,,

I barely started talking to an old friend and now he's not allowed to. I'm not mad at him or anything and I understand there's not much he can do, but Emily is a psychopath. I'm upset that he feels that he's stuck with her and that she's so insecure and jealous that she can't trust her own husband

Ok I've had this draft open all day 'cause I didn't feel like writing anymore but something new came up. Emily had used Jesus' phone to text me to delete his number. I was bummed and stuff but I wanted to respect his wishes so I said that I wouldn't text him anymore, but that was wrong of her to make him do, etc, etc.

That happened in the afternoon. Zoom to late this evening, after hanging out and eating donuts with Luke, John, and Nick at 2 in the morning (we're fat, I know) I get a Facebook message from Jesus saying that I should text him because Emily deleted me off his phone. I was confused only for a moment before everything freaking clicked. I told him what had happened and his exact words were, "Damn Emily."

She freaking posed as him to get me to stop talking to him. She has some serious issues because honestly? She knows me. At least I think she should know me well enough to know that I'm not gonna let him cheat on her with me like what the heck? Are you that insecure? Are you that jealous? He'd like you more if you didn't make his life so miserable. You're the one who pushes him to lie and then use that against him when it's your fault in the first place.

Please chill and stop acting so crazy, mmk? Let the man live and you will both be happier, I guarantee it,

Family Blues

Hey look, I'm making a post.

At my grandfather's funeral, I saw family I hadn't seen in years. I saw family that I vaguely remembered the existence of. The events that led to our reunion were just unfortunate. I still didn't get to see my older cousins Chrissy and Renee, and they're the ones I've missed the most over the years. The petty problems of our parents are what kept us apart. I saw their younger brother, Nicholas, now 12 years old, who I last remember seeing as a toddler. I saw my Tia with Renee's two adorable daughters I never got to meet until that point. I think they're like 5 and 7?

My uncle Carlos wanted us to start talking his family more but my parents are content with being disconnected and try try to convince me that they only want stuff from us.

I don't know. I've always been jealous of people with big families who are close. My my mom keeps telling me that me and my sister are only going to have each other when we grow older and to stay close and I'd like to, but we're probably going to end up in different states. And I mean I'll try but she's not even the family type. I feel the pressure of continuing our line, lolz but that's fine because I always intended of starting a family of my own.

I love my parents but they have childish mindsets sometimes and then get into stupid feuds with our extended family. They all act like children honestly. I hope my future husband is close to his family.

Without my grandfather, holidays are just going to be more lonely and sad and small.

All These Thoughts

Screaming in my skull, how they never let me go.
Yet silence and smiles all too real, my friend. All too real I love and give of me, for thee.
All truth and no lies lie here. Not a single one, not one. All fire and ice and flesh and bones.
And passion and fury and flames.

"I came out of the woods by choice."

Thunder and lightning and wandering soul of mine. I am every bit mine own. Pressing behind crumbling walls and all the tall things we said. Wasted words and silly dreams. But dreams nonetheless, haunting and lovely.

One heavy heart, two strangled breaths and three seconds for a trigger.
Intentions never speak. I am the walking dead.
Alive and living; all real laughs and tears and fears and here
where pain leaves the body
one speck of dust
There.
She lives.

She

Lives. 

I Don't Know Why

Sometimes we go through the things that we do. But today an old friend of the family came by to visit with her daughter and two little ones. They always used to tell us, even though 10 years in age apart, that we were very alike. Our characters, they said, were extremely similar. I didn't know much of what we went through would be too.
She asked me about someone.
No longer part of their life in that way.
She smiled and pat my back telling me the story of how she went through almost the exact same situation. I was surprised. It was nearly identical. Funny how that happened.
Regardless, it made me feel a little bit better; a little of the steam was let out, and I saw a tiny ray of hope.
As I hugged one of her two kids to my chest she told me God always has a plan and a purpose. Sometimes people make drastic choices, and sometimes we just have to believe God has a reason behind everything.
She said to be patient. She said the day would come. She said to let God move the way He wanted. She looked at her little one and said one day, even if it's years from now, it won't matter where I've been, because where I will be, will be so much better...


And so, I went back to my room, took a good long look at my shelf... and packed everything away.

Between Smiles and Tears

I want to punch you in the face
but then I just want to hug you like that first time.
I hate your choice of leaving me guessing forever.
But I've never been happier to hear from someone.
You suck. I hate that you can make me cry like that. Make me feel guilty for months.
Then like 2 minutes later make me feel like everything's okay.
You're a terrible person.
But you're a kind person.
Who says its going to be okay,
and that whats past is past
and that something better will come
and that there's healing in everything...

-insert string of mute expletives here-

You make me so mad!
But for the first time in a long time I feel genuinely happy.
Stupid bipolar emotions.
Stop playing with them. I hate that you can make me smile when I'm crying.
Like you snap your fingers and everything's okay. I want to say no, I want to say freak you and flip tables over and walk away. But not with you. I can't do that. I just watch the messages pour in, and cry.
And cry.
And smile, and feel happy..
You're a terrible person... you waited for the right moment to come back.
Your timing is always perfect... you dumb wonderful terrible friend, you.

The End or the Eye of the Storm?

It might be because of the nap I took earlier,  but I don't feel like sleeping.  Even though my head hurts a little. I swear my hair weighs too much for my head.  Hmm not too much seems to be going through my mind. Today, er, I mean yesterday after class I chilled with a classmate. Possibly a friend now, her name is Kristen.  We drew with chalk on the sidewalk and blew bubbles because of some soon-to-be organization. She's going through some stuff, like a break up and being borderline harassed by a creepy classmate. I honestly think he's harmless but is being kind of annoying and not taking a hint. He was actually supposed to be a 3rd partner in a group project but he ended up dropping.  We explained to the professor and she was able to help us out.
Uh, I guess I miss him a lot too.  I mean he manages to stay on my mind all the time and is still able to effectively get under my  skin. I'm lot less angry than I thought I would be. I was just sad for the longest time.  Sad,  not depressed. I've been managing to keep it at bay for awhile. I think my anxiety is it's partner and my anxiety levels have been at record lows currently.
A method I've been using is the "fake it til I make it."  I just speak highly of myself basically and fake confidence. Even though I'm probably joking,  I am starting to believe myself I think. I may go overboard and sound arrogant but hey...  Go big or go home? Lolz, I don't know.
So yeah Alexis,  remember at DD's when I was talking about bikinis.  I was half joking. I'm not sure I would actually do it!
I've also been thinking how much I've changed.  Well,  not really. I've always been non confrontational but..  I don't know, I always have the need to stand up for myself now. I've always been passive and letting people get away with things but I feel my fuse is a lot shorter now. There are still instances when I keep quiet,  yeah. I'm not sure where I'm going with this.  Loyal has always gotten the brunt of my defense mechanisms 'cause he likes to joke a lot. We are rarely on the same page when it comes to our joking around,  thus the conflicts.
I don't exactly dislike this about myself, but of course people aren't very appreciative.
I think my eyes are finally getting heavy. I am so suffering in the morning. 'Til next time,  Blogger.

For The First Time

Since that night, tears.
One day maybe
Love will find me.
And one day maybe
It will last.
God knows, it's all I've ever asked.

To Love

I couldn't sleep last night. I spent the entire night thinking about what it means to love. I spent the entire morning wondering about the kind of love that Christ offers us. And as I laid there and cried till I could cry no more, silent until the silence was all I could express, I realized...

Maybe the reason we continually turn away from Jesus is that a love unconditional is a love irrational, a love extreme, a love mysterious, a love that never gives up, a crazy love. And we are afraid of that. More, we are terrified. We are terrified of what we do not understand, we are frightened by what does not make sense in our heads, we are repelled by what is most genuine because we hide our own selves. We are afraid that a love like that could ever exist because it makes us confront ourselves. It makes us angry. It makes us furious that as much as we want love to give up, to despise, to let go, to turn away, Love does not. Love never fails, Love endures, Love hopes and is patient and holds... and holds... and holds...

And in the hour that I finally got to rest, I saw Him there, before everyone, with the saddest eyes in the world, and yet there was Love in them. For the first time in my life I understood what it means to love and be pushed aside again...and again... and again. And in that moment, with his arms open wide, He was at His most vulnerable.. and we hurt Him. Yet still He loved. And as He carried all our faults and fears and doubts and evils He never left. We let go, but He never did. He held on.. and loved..and held... and held.. and forgave.. and loved... and still he holds... and loves.. 

and holds...

And all I can ask now is

Let my love always be a reflection of You.

 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

If I Should Receive a Letter

I've never received a letter. I mean, other than the official documents that school sends or ads type letters. I've sent plenty in my life, over two dozen at the least... but I've never gotten one. Not a single one.
And I was kinda thinking about that this morning as I cleaned my room and found the small pile of stamps I'd been saving just in case I ever got a reply. Haven't had to yet, but maybe one day,

If I should receive a letter
I'd read it, of course, thought I'd probably read it over a few times, maybe several times.
I'd stare at it for a while, because, you know, I've never received a handwritten letter.
I would keep it safe, put it in a box somewhere, maybe hope I can receive more.

If I should receive a letter
I'd write one back
I'd fill several pages, I'd doodle and draw faces
Talk about the places I've been and would want to visit.
I would give the sender the best reply,
I'd take my time
make it worthwhile.
Because you know, I've never received a handwritten letter.

So if I should receive a letter
I'd be blessed to share a part of them
because there's something special in the hand that writes
the smiles that show up on the page, or the tears
that inevitably stain it.
I'd remember that, I'd hold on to that.

And if ever someone sends me a letter
I think, I'd be glad
that someone thought it beautiful
to write in a way that's been lost,
that I am special enough to receive such  a work
in a time when nobody has the time.

Remembering

I'm writing this because I feel like all my previous posts have been pretty somber and sad. I would apologize but I really have nowhere else to just write out my thoughts, and those usually keep me awake late.
List of wonderful things wonderful:
-God Loves me
-I have a boyfriend who cares and loves me too
-I have a family
-I have a few good friends
-I am alive
-I have a home, food, water, bed
-I can write, read, play music
-God loves me
-I can breathe, see, hear
-I can teach and learn
-I can speak 2 languages
-I Am Loved (even if I have a hard time believing)

My list is small... but it's a start. It's hard to see all the good one may have in life when clouds and storms hang so close. But I'm trying. And it's a start... even if it's a little one.

I Can Hear the Wind

I've been having the strangest dreams the past couple of nights. The first, I started saying goodbye to a lot of people I knew, particularly those involved in several of the problems that have been unsettling lately. Strangely, at the end of that dream as I laid down to sleep, I could not wake up again. It scared me for the moment, but thinking about it now, I guess.. in my dream, part of me just died. That's all I've got, really. I don't know how else to interpret that except through the idea that maybe it was time to let go it go and let it die. I said goodbye to plenty of people I cared for, and while I may not be able to do that in person, I did it then. I meant it then.

Last night I dreamt I had a final conversation with these people. Again I mentioned the problems we faced, and this time, they left. In my dream I cried for what seemed like hours until I finally walked away somewhere and woke up. There wasn't even a tear in my eye, I just kind of looked up at the ceiling for a few minutes and sighed myself back to sleep.

I think I've finally closed something. I've finally stitched up the wound. It's been a rough and painful process, but maybe... maybe I'm finally finished. I've cried countless nights, I've prayed, I've tried, I've cried some more and I'm finally closing that book. Done.

I can hear the wind outside. It's stronger than it's been in a really long time and carries with it a cold I haven't felt since very early winter.
If I've ever felt connected to the weather, I find it proper now to say things are getting blown away. It is cold, and it is still painful if you stand too long in it's path, and sometimes the bite makes your eyes water and cry, but it's passing and it's blowing things away.
And I'm sure
I'll still cry,
it'll still hurt for a while,
and it will take a while for the stitches to come out,
and it might be a while,
but at least it's closed
at least I feel closure
now.

Siempre

I haven't written anywhere in awhile. I've made a total of 2 journal entries in the month of February and I'm only a little disappointed in myself. I have bigger reasons to be disappointed in myself but I won't go there for now.
I had wanted to start writing more but I just lack that simple amount of motivation for small things. Well anyway, the year so far has been quite something. I'm actually enjoying school so much that Spring break doesn't excite me as much as it used to. It might also be the fact that I have 3 day weekends now but whatever, right? It's discouraging that it feels like I'm  starting college all over, but at the same time I have thoughts like "as long as you finish. As long as you get where you want to be" and the good thing is that I'm working on it.
I didn't even come here to talk about this though. What I want to say is..

I'm always going to be there for you. (What a turn that was, my fault for the irrelevant introduction.) I know saying this is probably not enough still cause I don't even follow my own words, but you can come to me anytime, any place (This includes those 2 am sleepless nights cause odds are I'm right there tossing and turning too). You had to listen to my crap for years before now and it's.. I don't know, it's not like I'm returning a favor because I'd offer this anyway.
I know things have been sloppy between us and it probably doesn't feel the same but please know you're always in my heart. Why am I saying this here? Well honestly I just don't know how to approach anymore. Admittedly, because you had listened to my crap for years I felt the need to ease off, but you had no need to ease off of me if that makes sense. Double standards, sorry lolz.
I love you unconditionally, girly.

On another note: Freak boys, seriously. Freakin self-interested butts at least half of ye.
(Ignore me, this is the bitter cat lady in me)

Rainy Days, Skirts, and Crazy Cats

I didn't mean to cry.

But that hug, that genuine concern that for a moment kept you there, that meant so much to me.

Despite not intending you to worry, feeling cared for, having someone just... listen, felt nice.

Despite the silly cats and clutter and all the apologies you made when you let me in, I'm thankful you did.

Because I needed to be held. I needed to cry. And I needed a friend.

If just for a while.

Thank you...

The Ever

But you saw more
You saw my deepest part
With the light of a thousand stars
You saw them awaken me

And through your eyes
You showed me everything
You woke me up inside
I'm back to life, I lost myself
Now I breathe again

Confessions

It's been about three or four weeks that I've been struggling between sleepless nights and not waning to get out of bed  in the morning. It's been about two weeks where I've felt the blunt of my depression come back with the loss of two very close friends. I don't like to talk about it because I dont' like making myself vulnerable. But finally, for the first time since this all began, I breathed.
As I finished writing the last few words of encouragement I could manage to someone I love, I realized how empty I've been myself. But I've also realized how full the emptiness has made me-- in a positive way, I mean to say.
I've had so very little to give lately. I've honestly, truthfully felt like every day I'm running on fumes, just kind of holding on-barely-making-it-barely-sane status. But I've managed... well I should say He's manged me.

He's upheld me.

I say those three words with the deepest sincerity in my heart and soul.

Because tonight I finally realized just how much I've been able to give to others lately. I've been running on empty, but even when I've felt like I've got nothing left to give, God's supplied enough to give out. And tonight, after pressing "Send" and laying back on my bed I gave the last drop. But even as I did, I felt like He held me, slowly, comfortingly poured in just enough to hold on for the night. Slowly, painfully, picked up my fragmenting pieces and put them back into place so I could hold just enough.

He gave me manna for one more day.
Just enough. He's been giving me just enough every single day. And every day I've had to rely on him to supply me with just what I need.

I've given hope, given strength, given advice, given help. I've given time, given patience, given encouragement. I've given all these things so that it's been just enough.

Tonight I realized what just enough has meant. I've given everything I have without holding back,to those around me, and I've desperately sincerely come back to God for more every night.

And I've learned to listen, even if He may have nothing to say. I am hanging on every word He says, every breath He breathes... and somewhere in the stillness I begin breathing again.

P.S This song has been on repeat for a while now

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight, spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing, is where I want to be, yeah
Where I want to be

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I'm
Trying to identify the voices in my head, God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive
And break these calluses off of me, one more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and

Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside your door
And listen to you breathing, is where I want to be, yeah

I don't want a thing from you

Bet you're tired of me waiting for the scraps
To fall off your table to the ground
'Cause I just want to be here now

//'Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
Even if you don't want to speak tonight that's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door
And listen to you breathing, is where I want to be, yeah//

Where I want to be
Where I want to be

On Letting Go

I hope you know that I tried. I hope you realize that I tried to make amends and that I tried to reach out to you. I hope you understand that I thought it important to look past pride and anger for someone regarded as family.
I hope you know deep in your heart that I never gave up on you.

And while I have all these hopes for you, I pray you also learn. I pray you let your ears actually listen for someone who really needs you, and I pray you learn to try too.

Because you walked away and didn't even bother to say goodbye. But that's quite alright you can blame me if there's no one left to blame.

And if what you wanted were my tears, you got them. If you wanted my sorrow, content yourself in knowing that is yours as well.

Be happy in knowing I spent days going through conversations in my mind. Pride yourself in the fact that I beat myself up trying to figure it out, that it cut me sharp hearing you'd gone away.

And if all that makes you happy, if all this brings you closure, then I am sincerely glad.

It's 1 am

I can hardly sleep. 

All my nightmares escape my head.

Listening to music, and trying to find some semblance of peace. Sometimes I wonder if my brain just likes to play games. Maybe my subconscious thinks it's funny. Surely I do not. I want sleep.

I want to fall profoundly and utterly into dream. And perhaps wake only when I've truly found some rest.

Always Gold

Been doing a lot of thinking lately. Can't say I haven't tried, because I have. It's upsetting, frustrating, and I want to make it better. But I promised myself I wouldn't press. And lately it seems I'm knocking on deaf ears. Anyhow, thought this song fit pretty well..

...

 Back when we were kids

We swore we knew the future

And our words would take us half way 'round the world

...

But I am fine with where I am now

This home is home, and all that I need

But for you, this place is shame

But you can blame me when there's no one left to blame

Oh I don't mind

All my life

I've never known where you've been

There were holes in you

The kind that I could not mend

And I heard you say

Right when you left that day

Does everything go away?

Yeah, everything goes away.

But I'm going to be here till forever

So just call when you're around.