Speaking of Unanswered Questions

Things aren't always peaches and cream. Sometimes when we talk, I find myself not knowing what to say-- crying because I feel quite helpless in knowing what to do. There have been times where the silence drags and I wonder if hanging up would be best, but that's just the child in me talking, and I know that I can make very stupid decisions if I act on an impulse.

But last night was a little different. Something I hadn't really opened up about because I felt like it wasn't fair to Ed. I felt like it would be dragging unnecessary baggage around. But he asked, when I said (in parahprase) yeah, I really hope you never find somebody else.

He asked me why I said that. And I reluctantly pulled back like a kid who's about to get a mouth full of medicine. I didn't wanna talk about that. But he insisted, because he'd asked. And so with as little detail as I could (for sanity's sake), I told him about the past, and the people who cheated, and the people who didn't "cheat" but acted like they much rather be with someone else, better looking, "more beautiful." They cheated with their feelings and their words as if I hadn't noticed.

I cried. I tried not to, but I did. And I felt myself apologizing for things I had no reason to apologize for but felt like I needed to anyway.

Even though he isn't here with me in person (yet, because he'll be here in two days), I felt the hug and the care and all the love in the world when he said "our bond is sacred."

He's never given me a reason to worry. He's always made me feel secure and beautiful and loved. I've never had to question anything, or feel like I wasn't enough.

But it's like a scar that cut deep, those past details. The lies, the finding out through someone else, the having to hear how much others were better than you but not directly because passive-agressiveness and undertones like that.

But it remains, you know? Ed told me, "I could never find what I have with you anywhere else. There's only one of you." And I wondered, what hadn't been enough then.
Not that it really matters anymore, really. I have to admit that if it wasn't for the things that tore my past relationships apart, then I wouldn't be in the position I am today-- one month from legally being a wife, and seven from living together "officially."

I wouldn't trade what happened. Through everything, I gained the most amazing love for me. I couldn't have asked for a better partner-- a beyond faithful and loving one at that.

So while the questions may linger, they don't matter when my fiance loves me without question.

Help... Insomnia

I'm just going to gloss over the fact that I've been laying here for 3 hours trying to fall asleep and talk about other things, even though the title hints at more detail.

Anyway, since I can't sleep, I've been going through Facebook pages of people who used to be at least somewhat important to me. It's not as interesting as it sounds, everyone has their posts set to friends only or they don't post a lot in the first place. I don't know why I still randomly think of these people from time to time. Maybe it's because I've had way too much time to think not being able to sleep and needed more material than the same few people and things I mostly think about when it gets late at night.

Is it true that you'll always feel a little something for past exes? I don't mean any significant feelings that would make me go back to them but like, do you know what I mean? Especially if they weren't crappy significant others and the break up was amicable. I've been fortunate in my relationships to have had them all end in mostly understanding. I also don't quite get people who talk horrible about exes but that's a different tangent.

I was on the facebook page of an ex of mine who I don't have added. I was expecting to feel petty but I ended up leaving his page smiling because of how cute he looked with his current girlfriend in his pictures.

Also, I felt better 'cause his current hairstyle is bad looking compared to the one I knew him for. Haha, sorry, I'm not all that good willed.

I also finally remembered the name of the girl he allegedly cheated on me with and found her facebook through a mutual friend. It was underwhelming since nothing was on the page. Apparently she's married now and got fat. (It's ok if I say that because so did I.)

If these slightly painful experiences were what it took to grow a little, they were totally worth it. Even if the pain was at my expense. I wish them well!

I guess I still think about them because I still have things I would tell them. Yeah, that must be it. Not getting true closure sucks. Being nonconfrontational also sucks sometimes.

I'd ask Robert why we never did anything more than hold hands. Anything more I'd want to say would just be repeats of what I already said back then.
I'd also sk what Margie offered that I didn't, haha...

I'd apologize to Phil for breaking up the way I did. I would have still done it but differently.

I'd tell Miranda I never thought bad of her beyond stupid teenage girl jealousy and definitely didn't blame her at all.

I'd ask Margie if it was worth it.

I'd ask Morgan what he wanted to tell me about Robert but couldn't 'cause Matt got uncomfortable!! Omg, why am I like this. All these little things left unsaid drive me crazy.

The information doesn't mean anything now butit would mean a lot to me jist knowing, if that makes sense. Anyway, I am screwed 'cause I can't sleep.

School Today!

I know it's late, but it's a long time tradition for me to have insomnia before the first day of school. My first class is at 2 anyway, so it's not so bad. I ok only have 2 classes on campus, and the other 3 are online courses.
My remaining classes include:
Environmental Science
Intro to Philosophy
Intro to Advertising
Web Design I
& Writing for Digital Media

Assuming I don't fail anything, this should be my last semester! I'm a little nervous for what's in store for me afterwards  but that's why I have to work hard. Like, really work hard. In all aspects of my life. Cept the social aspect, that wasn't in mind. It'd be nice if I did, though. Anyway!
I don't have much else to say, or at least anything that's interesting. Not that my class schedule is interesting, but it gave me a set thing to talk about.
Hmm. I really want a Nintendo 3DS to play the Pokémon series. The new Sun & Moon comes out later this year and I am excited. If I get it tho, I really need to hold off on the nice things after that since I recently got nice stuff already... but honestly I'd be set for a long time! My next luxuries would be a car and an upgraded pc set-up. Those will be awhile!
I think I've decided to do my best to start a career in San Antonio first, gather the moolah while living in parents' home, and take whatever steps necessary to find my dream company to work for. Which, really, is any company in the gaming industry.

... and practice art in the meantime so I can be a comic book artist for Marvel (Star Wars) in the remaining decade(s?) of my life. Face it, it's gonna take half a lifetime for me to get that good anyway.
Now that I think about it, I'm quite racist when it comes to fantasy worlds. I always pick human or most human looking characters in MMOs and have little experience drawing mythical races. I'd love to do concept art too, maybe. I think I can get good enough for Jagex if not comic books.

There's A Lot Happening

So this year has definitely been a whirlwind of change for me. From teaching to being with the love of my life, it's been quite the roller coaster. A lot is happening this next year and it's crazy to think how much I actually have to get done before next summer.
I'm teaching freshman and sophomores this year because my scores were apparently really good with my last bunch. And although I had planned to teach ESL my scores made me a bit more necessary with the incoming underclass man. I've heard they are little squirrels but we shall see if I can't take them yet.

I'm getting married. Oh yeah, it's happening guys. In four months we'll be legally married and in nine I'll be in Dallas for the full blown ceremony (actually small but you get it). Between now and then I have to find a job, find a house, plan a wedding, plan a honeymoon, buy furniture, find a new job, and plan weekend trips to Dallas to get everything sorted. Good grief it's a whole bunch especially when I have to keep teaching. I'm confident it'll get done well and smoothly though so I'm not too too worried.

I really can't wait for this next year. Everything is happening so soon, I feel like it'll get here before I know it. I'm blessed, truly. And I can't imagine going through life with anyone who knows me better or has been there and loves me more than him. God definitely has a funny way of making things work, but He knows and knew exactly what I needed and how I needed to get here. ❤️

I am Storm

He was a hurricane and I was the eye of the storm, somehow destined to bring peace to the whirlwind surrounding. I was the serenity and gravitating pull toward calmer shores. And he destined to muster up songs from the deep, surging, screaming and an expanding of the lungs to fill the space he had already given. We were the perfect combination of beauty and rage, peace and passion, intensity and  rest. We were the storm men both feared and stared in awe. We danced to the rhythm of hidden currents, flowing and building momentum. We swam in the oceans and ravaged the edges of the shore until land and sea collided. Immersed in the thick of it. We danced until the violence became a whisper, until the waves subsided into the ether-- into silence. And we drifted, held together in suspension, in the depths of the sea and in the listlessness-- waiting. Resounding heartbeat against the darkness of wind and earth and space of space made of boundless energy, magnetic... Volatile... Powerful.

He was a hurricane and I was the eye of the storm...together we lived on in our kingdom of the seas.

Happenings

He and my dad hit it off really well today. He drove all the way down to SA to meet my parents and I could tell they immediately took to him. Dad said he'd be a good husband, mom did too-- mentions of a humble and hardworking spirit, someone who is calm and collected but kind. Funny, I'm excited to have him over more often now, and I feel like our families will grow well together. It's just positive steps in a positive direction. 

I made him a cake.

He helped my dad with dinner.

We relaxed and fell asleep together on the couch a while.

Planned our civil marriage for December, religious ceremony in June. 

I'll have a new last name by the beginning of next year. 

Wow...

Soul Mates

We did everything together those three days. It was like it was supposed to be, and it was wonderful. We bought a little bit of groceries, ate dinner together, drank a little, laughed much, and loved deeply. We sized for wedding bands and my engagement ring, made choices, and now it's a waiting game for me. He used a potential engagement line on me and laughed-- he said he needed to come up with another one.
Our energies were exhilarating. The way he looked at me, I swear it's like there was no one else in the universe he would rather have been looking at. And when he held me I was home, really, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

It'll be an interesting year. We both got a taste of it, and now it feels like we are constantly missing each other's companionship and presence. It seems it has become a matter of necessity, more than a want to be together, to grow together.

If someone would have told me I'd be here a year or two ago, I don't know if I would've believed them. But now, he's the biggest earthly blessing that has come to my life. And I deeply want to spend the rest of it beside him.

I waited, my love, all these years... and it was worth it.