I Don't Know Why

Sometimes we go through the things that we do. But today an old friend of the family came by to visit with her daughter and two little ones. They always used to tell us, even though 10 years in age apart, that we were very alike. Our characters, they said, were extremely similar. I didn't know much of what we went through would be too.
She asked me about someone.
No longer part of their life in that way.
She smiled and pat my back telling me the story of how she went through almost the exact same situation. I was surprised. It was nearly identical. Funny how that happened.
Regardless, it made me feel a little bit better; a little of the steam was let out, and I saw a tiny ray of hope.
As I hugged one of her two kids to my chest she told me God always has a plan and a purpose. Sometimes people make drastic choices, and sometimes we just have to believe God has a reason behind everything.
She said to be patient. She said the day would come. She said to let God move the way He wanted. She looked at her little one and said one day, even if it's years from now, it won't matter where I've been, because where I will be, will be so much better...


And so, I went back to my room, took a good long look at my shelf... and packed everything away.

Between Smiles and Tears

I want to punch you in the face
but then I just want to hug you like that first time.
I hate your choice of leaving me guessing forever.
But I've never been happier to hear from someone.
You suck. I hate that you can make me cry like that. Make me feel guilty for months.
Then like 2 minutes later make me feel like everything's okay.
You're a terrible person.
But you're a kind person.
Who says its going to be okay,
and that whats past is past
and that something better will come
and that there's healing in everything...

-insert string of mute expletives here-

You make me so mad!
But for the first time in a long time I feel genuinely happy.
Stupid bipolar emotions.
Stop playing with them. I hate that you can make me smile when I'm crying.
Like you snap your fingers and everything's okay. I want to say no, I want to say freak you and flip tables over and walk away. But not with you. I can't do that. I just watch the messages pour in, and cry.
And cry.
And smile, and feel happy..
You're a terrible person... you waited for the right moment to come back.
Your timing is always perfect... you dumb wonderful terrible friend, you.

The End or the Eye of the Storm?

It might be because of the nap I took earlier,  but I don't feel like sleeping.  Even though my head hurts a little. I swear my hair weighs too much for my head.  Hmm not too much seems to be going through my mind. Today, er, I mean yesterday after class I chilled with a classmate. Possibly a friend now, her name is Kristen.  We drew with chalk on the sidewalk and blew bubbles because of some soon-to-be organization. She's going through some stuff, like a break up and being borderline harassed by a creepy classmate. I honestly think he's harmless but is being kind of annoying and not taking a hint. He was actually supposed to be a 3rd partner in a group project but he ended up dropping.  We explained to the professor and she was able to help us out.
Uh, I guess I miss him a lot too.  I mean he manages to stay on my mind all the time and is still able to effectively get under my  skin. I'm lot less angry than I thought I would be. I was just sad for the longest time.  Sad,  not depressed. I've been managing to keep it at bay for awhile. I think my anxiety is it's partner and my anxiety levels have been at record lows currently.
A method I've been using is the "fake it til I make it."  I just speak highly of myself basically and fake confidence. Even though I'm probably joking,  I am starting to believe myself I think. I may go overboard and sound arrogant but hey...  Go big or go home? Lolz, I don't know.
So yeah Alexis,  remember at DD's when I was talking about bikinis.  I was half joking. I'm not sure I would actually do it!
I've also been thinking how much I've changed.  Well,  not really. I've always been non confrontational but..  I don't know, I always have the need to stand up for myself now. I've always been passive and letting people get away with things but I feel my fuse is a lot shorter now. There are still instances when I keep quiet,  yeah. I'm not sure where I'm going with this.  Loyal has always gotten the brunt of my defense mechanisms 'cause he likes to joke a lot. We are rarely on the same page when it comes to our joking around,  thus the conflicts.
I don't exactly dislike this about myself, but of course people aren't very appreciative.
I think my eyes are finally getting heavy. I am so suffering in the morning. 'Til next time,  Blogger.

For The First Time

Since that night, tears.
One day maybe
Love will find me.
And one day maybe
It will last.
God knows, it's all I've ever asked.

To Love

I couldn't sleep last night. I spent the entire night thinking about what it means to love. I spent the entire morning wondering about the kind of love that Christ offers us. And as I laid there and cried till I could cry no more, silent until the silence was all I could express, I realized...

Maybe the reason we continually turn away from Jesus is that a love unconditional is a love irrational, a love extreme, a love mysterious, a love that never gives up, a crazy love. And we are afraid of that. More, we are terrified. We are terrified of what we do not understand, we are frightened by what does not make sense in our heads, we are repelled by what is most genuine because we hide our own selves. We are afraid that a love like that could ever exist because it makes us confront ourselves. It makes us angry. It makes us furious that as much as we want love to give up, to despise, to let go, to turn away, Love does not. Love never fails, Love endures, Love hopes and is patient and holds... and holds... and holds...

And in the hour that I finally got to rest, I saw Him there, before everyone, with the saddest eyes in the world, and yet there was Love in them. For the first time in my life I understood what it means to love and be pushed aside again...and again... and again. And in that moment, with his arms open wide, He was at His most vulnerable.. and we hurt Him. Yet still He loved. And as He carried all our faults and fears and doubts and evils He never left. We let go, but He never did. He held on.. and loved..and held... and held.. and forgave.. and loved... and still he holds... and loves.. 

and holds...

And all I can ask now is

Let my love always be a reflection of You.

 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.

If I Should Receive a Letter

I've never received a letter. I mean, other than the official documents that school sends or ads type letters. I've sent plenty in my life, over two dozen at the least... but I've never gotten one. Not a single one.
And I was kinda thinking about that this morning as I cleaned my room and found the small pile of stamps I'd been saving just in case I ever got a reply. Haven't had to yet, but maybe one day,

If I should receive a letter
I'd read it, of course, thought I'd probably read it over a few times, maybe several times.
I'd stare at it for a while, because, you know, I've never received a handwritten letter.
I would keep it safe, put it in a box somewhere, maybe hope I can receive more.

If I should receive a letter
I'd write one back
I'd fill several pages, I'd doodle and draw faces
Talk about the places I've been and would want to visit.
I would give the sender the best reply,
I'd take my time
make it worthwhile.
Because you know, I've never received a handwritten letter.

So if I should receive a letter
I'd be blessed to share a part of them
because there's something special in the hand that writes
the smiles that show up on the page, or the tears
that inevitably stain it.
I'd remember that, I'd hold on to that.

And if ever someone sends me a letter
I think, I'd be glad
that someone thought it beautiful
to write in a way that's been lost,
that I am special enough to receive such  a work
in a time when nobody has the time.

Remembering

I'm writing this because I feel like all my previous posts have been pretty somber and sad. I would apologize but I really have nowhere else to just write out my thoughts, and those usually keep me awake late.
List of wonderful things wonderful:
-God Loves me
-I have a boyfriend who cares and loves me too
-I have a family
-I have a few good friends
-I am alive
-I have a home, food, water, bed
-I can write, read, play music
-God loves me
-I can breathe, see, hear
-I can teach and learn
-I can speak 2 languages
-I Am Loved (even if I have a hard time believing)

My list is small... but it's a start. It's hard to see all the good one may have in life when clouds and storms hang so close. But I'm trying. And it's a start... even if it's a little one.

I Can Hear the Wind

I've been having the strangest dreams the past couple of nights. The first, I started saying goodbye to a lot of people I knew, particularly those involved in several of the problems that have been unsettling lately. Strangely, at the end of that dream as I laid down to sleep, I could not wake up again. It scared me for the moment, but thinking about it now, I guess.. in my dream, part of me just died. That's all I've got, really. I don't know how else to interpret that except through the idea that maybe it was time to let go it go and let it die. I said goodbye to plenty of people I cared for, and while I may not be able to do that in person, I did it then. I meant it then.

Last night I dreamt I had a final conversation with these people. Again I mentioned the problems we faced, and this time, they left. In my dream I cried for what seemed like hours until I finally walked away somewhere and woke up. There wasn't even a tear in my eye, I just kind of looked up at the ceiling for a few minutes and sighed myself back to sleep.

I think I've finally closed something. I've finally stitched up the wound. It's been a rough and painful process, but maybe... maybe I'm finally finished. I've cried countless nights, I've prayed, I've tried, I've cried some more and I'm finally closing that book. Done.

I can hear the wind outside. It's stronger than it's been in a really long time and carries with it a cold I haven't felt since very early winter.
If I've ever felt connected to the weather, I find it proper now to say things are getting blown away. It is cold, and it is still painful if you stand too long in it's path, and sometimes the bite makes your eyes water and cry, but it's passing and it's blowing things away.
And I'm sure
I'll still cry,
it'll still hurt for a while,
and it will take a while for the stitches to come out,
and it might be a while,
but at least it's closed
at least I feel closure
now.

Siempre

I haven't written anywhere in awhile. I've made a total of 2 journal entries in the month of February and I'm only a little disappointed in myself. I have bigger reasons to be disappointed in myself but I won't go there for now.
I had wanted to start writing more but I just lack that simple amount of motivation for small things. Well anyway, the year so far has been quite something. I'm actually enjoying school so much that Spring break doesn't excite me as much as it used to. It might also be the fact that I have 3 day weekends now but whatever, right? It's discouraging that it feels like I'm  starting college all over, but at the same time I have thoughts like "as long as you finish. As long as you get where you want to be" and the good thing is that I'm working on it.
I didn't even come here to talk about this though. What I want to say is..

I'm always going to be there for you. (What a turn that was, my fault for the irrelevant introduction.) I know saying this is probably not enough still cause I don't even follow my own words, but you can come to me anytime, any place (This includes those 2 am sleepless nights cause odds are I'm right there tossing and turning too). You had to listen to my crap for years before now and it's.. I don't know, it's not like I'm returning a favor because I'd offer this anyway.
I know things have been sloppy between us and it probably doesn't feel the same but please know you're always in my heart. Why am I saying this here? Well honestly I just don't know how to approach anymore. Admittedly, because you had listened to my crap for years I felt the need to ease off, but you had no need to ease off of me if that makes sense. Double standards, sorry lolz.
I love you unconditionally, girly.

On another note: Freak boys, seriously. Freakin self-interested butts at least half of ye.
(Ignore me, this is the bitter cat lady in me)

Rainy Days, Skirts, and Crazy Cats

I didn't mean to cry.

But that hug, that genuine concern that for a moment kept you there, that meant so much to me.

Despite not intending you to worry, feeling cared for, having someone just... listen, felt nice.

Despite the silly cats and clutter and all the apologies you made when you let me in, I'm thankful you did.

Because I needed to be held. I needed to cry. And I needed a friend.

If just for a while.

Thank you...