Speaking of Unanswered Questions

Things aren't always peaches and cream. Sometimes when we talk, I find myself not knowing what to say-- crying because I feel quite helpless in knowing what to do. There have been times where the silence drags and I wonder if hanging up would be best, but that's just the child in me talking, and I know that I can make very stupid decisions if I act on an impulse.

But last night was a little different. Something I hadn't really opened up about because I felt like it wasn't fair to Ed. I felt like it would be dragging unnecessary baggage around. But he asked, when I said (in parahprase) yeah, I really hope you never find somebody else.

He asked me why I said that. And I reluctantly pulled back like a kid who's about to get a mouth full of medicine. I didn't wanna talk about that. But he insisted, because he'd asked. And so with as little detail as I could (for sanity's sake), I told him about the past, and the people who cheated, and the people who didn't "cheat" but acted like they much rather be with someone else, better looking, "more beautiful." They cheated with their feelings and their words as if I hadn't noticed.

I cried. I tried not to, but I did. And I felt myself apologizing for things I had no reason to apologize for but felt like I needed to anyway.

Even though he isn't here with me in person (yet, because he'll be here in two days), I felt the hug and the care and all the love in the world when he said "our bond is sacred."

He's never given me a reason to worry. He's always made me feel secure and beautiful and loved. I've never had to question anything, or feel like I wasn't enough.

But it's like a scar that cut deep, those past details. The lies, the finding out through someone else, the having to hear how much others were better than you but not directly because passive-agressiveness and undertones like that.

But it remains, you know? Ed told me, "I could never find what I have with you anywhere else. There's only one of you." And I wondered, what hadn't been enough then.
Not that it really matters anymore, really. I have to admit that if it wasn't for the things that tore my past relationships apart, then I wouldn't be in the position I am today-- one month from legally being a wife, and seven from living together "officially."

I wouldn't trade what happened. Through everything, I gained the most amazing love for me. I couldn't have asked for a better partner-- a beyond faithful and loving one at that.

So while the questions may linger, they don't matter when my fiance loves me without question.

Help... Insomnia

I'm just going to gloss over the fact that I've been laying here for 3 hours trying to fall asleep and talk about other things, even though the title hints at more detail.

Anyway, since I can't sleep, I've been going through Facebook pages of people who used to be at least somewhat important to me. It's not as interesting as it sounds, everyone has their posts set to friends only or they don't post a lot in the first place. I don't know why I still randomly think of these people from time to time. Maybe it's because I've had way too much time to think not being able to sleep and needed more material than the same few people and things I mostly think about when it gets late at night.

Is it true that you'll always feel a little something for past exes? I don't mean any significant feelings that would make me go back to them but like, do you know what I mean? Especially if they weren't crappy significant others and the break up was amicable. I've been fortunate in my relationships to have had them all end in mostly understanding. I also don't quite get people who talk horrible about exes but that's a different tangent.

I was on the facebook page of an ex of mine who I don't have added. I was expecting to feel petty but I ended up leaving his page smiling because of how cute he looked with his current girlfriend in his pictures.

Also, I felt better 'cause his current hairstyle is bad looking compared to the one I knew him for. Haha, sorry, I'm not all that good willed.

I also finally remembered the name of the girl he allegedly cheated on me with and found her facebook through a mutual friend. It was underwhelming since nothing was on the page. Apparently she's married now and got fat. (It's ok if I say that because so did I.)

If these slightly painful experiences were what it took to grow a little, they were totally worth it. Even if the pain was at my expense. I wish them well!

I guess I still think about them because I still have things I would tell them. Yeah, that must be it. Not getting true closure sucks. Being nonconfrontational also sucks sometimes.

I'd ask Robert why we never did anything more than hold hands. Anything more I'd want to say would just be repeats of what I already said back then.
I'd also sk what Margie offered that I didn't, haha...

I'd apologize to Phil for breaking up the way I did. I would have still done it but differently.

I'd tell Miranda I never thought bad of her beyond stupid teenage girl jealousy and definitely didn't blame her at all.

I'd ask Margie if it was worth it.

I'd ask Morgan what he wanted to tell me about Robert but couldn't 'cause Matt got uncomfortable!! Omg, why am I like this. All these little things left unsaid drive me crazy.

The information doesn't mean anything now butit would mean a lot to me jist knowing, if that makes sense. Anyway, I am screwed 'cause I can't sleep.

School Today!

I know it's late, but it's a long time tradition for me to have insomnia before the first day of school. My first class is at 2 anyway, so it's not so bad. I ok only have 2 classes on campus, and the other 3 are online courses.
My remaining classes include:
Environmental Science
Intro to Philosophy
Intro to Advertising
Web Design I
& Writing for Digital Media

Assuming I don't fail anything, this should be my last semester! I'm a little nervous for what's in store for me afterwards  but that's why I have to work hard. Like, really work hard. In all aspects of my life. Cept the social aspect, that wasn't in mind. It'd be nice if I did, though. Anyway!
I don't have much else to say, or at least anything that's interesting. Not that my class schedule is interesting, but it gave me a set thing to talk about.
Hmm. I really want a Nintendo 3DS to play the Pokémon series. The new Sun & Moon comes out later this year and I am excited. If I get it tho, I really need to hold off on the nice things after that since I recently got nice stuff already... but honestly I'd be set for a long time! My next luxuries would be a car and an upgraded pc set-up. Those will be awhile!
I think I've decided to do my best to start a career in San Antonio first, gather the moolah while living in parents' home, and take whatever steps necessary to find my dream company to work for. Which, really, is any company in the gaming industry.

... and practice art in the meantime so I can be a comic book artist for Marvel (Star Wars) in the remaining decade(s?) of my life. Face it, it's gonna take half a lifetime for me to get that good anyway.
Now that I think about it, I'm quite racist when it comes to fantasy worlds. I always pick human or most human looking characters in MMOs and have little experience drawing mythical races. I'd love to do concept art too, maybe. I think I can get good enough for Jagex if not comic books.

There's A Lot Happening

So this year has definitely been a whirlwind of change for me. From teaching to being with the love of my life, it's been quite the roller coaster. A lot is happening this next year and it's crazy to think how much I actually have to get done before next summer.
I'm teaching freshman and sophomores this year because my scores were apparently really good with my last bunch. And although I had planned to teach ESL my scores made me a bit more necessary with the incoming underclass man. I've heard they are little squirrels but we shall see if I can't take them yet.

I'm getting married. Oh yeah, it's happening guys. In four months we'll be legally married and in nine I'll be in Dallas for the full blown ceremony (actually small but you get it). Between now and then I have to find a job, find a house, plan a wedding, plan a honeymoon, buy furniture, find a new job, and plan weekend trips to Dallas to get everything sorted. Good grief it's a whole bunch especially when I have to keep teaching. I'm confident it'll get done well and smoothly though so I'm not too too worried.

I really can't wait for this next year. Everything is happening so soon, I feel like it'll get here before I know it. I'm blessed, truly. And I can't imagine going through life with anyone who knows me better or has been there and loves me more than him. God definitely has a funny way of making things work, but He knows and knew exactly what I needed and how I needed to get here. ❤️

I am Storm

He was a hurricane and I was the eye of the storm, somehow destined to bring peace to the whirlwind surrounding. I was the serenity and gravitating pull toward calmer shores. And he destined to muster up songs from the deep, surging, screaming and an expanding of the lungs to fill the space he had already given. We were the perfect combination of beauty and rage, peace and passion, intensity and  rest. We were the storm men both feared and stared in awe. We danced to the rhythm of hidden currents, flowing and building momentum. We swam in the oceans and ravaged the edges of the shore until land and sea collided. Immersed in the thick of it. We danced until the violence became a whisper, until the waves subsided into the ether-- into silence. And we drifted, held together in suspension, in the depths of the sea and in the listlessness-- waiting. Resounding heartbeat against the darkness of wind and earth and space of space made of boundless energy, magnetic... Volatile... Powerful.

He was a hurricane and I was the eye of the storm...together we lived on in our kingdom of the seas.

Happenings

He and my dad hit it off really well today. He drove all the way down to SA to meet my parents and I could tell they immediately took to him. Dad said he'd be a good husband, mom did too-- mentions of a humble and hardworking spirit, someone who is calm and collected but kind. Funny, I'm excited to have him over more often now, and I feel like our families will grow well together. It's just positive steps in a positive direction. 

I made him a cake.

He helped my dad with dinner.

We relaxed and fell asleep together on the couch a while.

Planned our civil marriage for December, religious ceremony in June. 

I'll have a new last name by the beginning of next year. 

Wow...

Soul Mates

We did everything together those three days. It was like it was supposed to be, and it was wonderful. We bought a little bit of groceries, ate dinner together, drank a little, laughed much, and loved deeply. We sized for wedding bands and my engagement ring, made choices, and now it's a waiting game for me. He used a potential engagement line on me and laughed-- he said he needed to come up with another one.
Our energies were exhilarating. The way he looked at me, I swear it's like there was no one else in the universe he would rather have been looking at. And when he held me I was home, really, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

It'll be an interesting year. We both got a taste of it, and now it feels like we are constantly missing each other's companionship and presence. It seems it has become a matter of necessity, more than a want to be together, to grow together.

If someone would have told me I'd be here a year or two ago, I don't know if I would've believed them. But now, he's the biggest earthly blessing that has come to my life. And I deeply want to spend the rest of it beside him.

I waited, my love, all these years... and it was worth it. 

Darn it it's late

I used to have this blog bookmarked in my old google chrome browser which no longer works for me for whatever reason. It was easy to check the page daily and Injust never got around to adding it on Microsoft Edge. Well I finally, did, and also got the app for my phone which is what I'm using right now.
I caught up with Alexis' posts, and oops.
I thought I should post a little something.
Currently:
Not looking forward to the morning, which would be a few hours from now. We're going to Snyder (sp?) TX to visit my bro in jail and it's such a long drive. Dreading it purely for the drive there, I guess I don't mind seeing my bro. I feel really guilty tho cause I am bad at writing letters to him. I don't really know what to say.
Okay I'm tired, that was short, but I'll write more next time.

"See you soon, I promise."

"And then one day soon you won't have to leave anymore."

26 Hours

And I'll finally be reunited with him. How fast can I make 26 hours go? I feel like of all days this one should be skipped. I want so badly to be on the road, but then I realize those 5 hours will seem like the 26 put together.
We laughed our heads off last night being silly with words that roll off the tongue. Perhaps we just wanted to hide the anxiety underneath. We've been waiting for over a month for this, and finally it's just around the corner. We exchange I love you's and fade into silence. Sweet dreams, don't leave, stay, don't go, why aren't you here, why aren't I there; please, stay. So I stay, so he stays, and we let sleep drown us. We wake in the darkness, quiet reminders. Sleep. Nerves. Anxiety. Excitement.
I'm meeting his parents in the evening. Or rather, they wanted to meet me. And that is always a positive step forward.
My dad got s bit emotional. My mom's trying to be resilient. He and I are gathering wit and strength. 26 hours left.

An Open Letter to My Ex

I don't resent you, however long that took me to admit. The funny thing is that for a while I continued to wonder who's fault it had been, as if figuring it out would make much of s difference. Peace perhaps? Closure? Something I never really had. Yeah we said a few things, final remarks, but I always felt like there was a vein open somewhere and I was slowly dripping away. But time is a great suture and I found the courage to sow it up. I burned bridges and watch them go up in smoke. 

I wanted to say a million things, sometimes out of spite some out of pain, but over a year and a half later, even if you never read this I have a few things to say:

I hope that you find what you're looking for. I hope that what choices you make are always your own and that you have a clean conscience doing them. I hope that whatever you were looking for in God, you've found. And I hope that you've grown to understand who you are and what He wants in you.

I hope you learn what love is. I hope when God brings you your future partner, you have grown to understand compassion, patience, and sacrifice. I hope you've learned to appreciate little things like letters, falling asleep together during a phonecall, holding hands for the sake of holding them, long embraces, sitting together quietly listening to heartbeats. I hope you know that love is never pushing someone through guilt but waiting for them to be comfortable. That promises are promises and should be held closely. I hope your family loves her. I hope she genuine supports your dreams, prays for your fears, and comforts your frustrations. I hope you hold her close and spoil her. I hope you give her all your heart not just what's convenient or enough. I hope she endures. I pray she makes you happy and holds you close and you can be proud of her and her of you. I hope you both reach your dreams, and I hope you both live.

As I write this I myself realize how long it's taken me to appreciate similar. How I too had to mature. How I had to be understanding and kind and compassionate. I too had to learn to love again. I hope you know that for now, I am happy. That now I have someone who provides with love, patience, support and dreams. And you know... You were right, God always comes through with exactly what you need. I found my agape, who looks into my eyes and loves me unconditionally. You were right, God must've known. And so, I thank you.

Despite the crap that became the end of us, it was the catalyst used to promote growth and to guide me into Gods's greater plan with him. 

And so, though you may never read this, I pray that you're safe and happy and loved. If you haven't yet felt that as I have once again, it's all I can hope for you. Find it. Hold it close. Nurture it. Love. Because when it's there, I promise it will be beautiful.

My First Last Day of School

I found it really difficult to put packaging tape over the last box today as I packed up my classroom. What I thought would be a big relief was mixed with a lot of sad emotions. I remembered, putting away some of my student's things, that they saw my classroom as a place they could run away from reality for a little while. It was a place they felt at home, and many of them would often come for that simple fact. While it was always a place that pushed them to go beyond their expectations, I also did my best to make it somewhere that understood where they came from. These kids quickly went from students to family in my eyes.
I believed, down to my core, and still believe, that these kids will go far. I know, some of them will not, but I hold on to that perspective of them which sees the best they have to offer this crazy world.
Packing up letters, thank you notes, pictures, and drawings, I was reminded how important it was to invest in these kids outside of classroom hours. I did things for them which left many of them silent. I stayed late hearing them talk about life, work, love, and their plans after high school. I stayed to watch them grow. And I spent time, money, and heart growing them.
I remembered, as I put away the last board game, how game nights quickly became family nights, and how it was really about how we could spend just a little more time together. They saw a real person behind their teacher, and I saw a real heart behind the student.
I'm gonna miss these kids, because not only were they my first set of kids, they showed me what real teaching is all about... love.
At the end of the day, when it's all said and done, if "ya ain't got love, nigga, you aint got nothin'." (':

Blessed

Next year I very well might be living in Dallas. Next year I very well might have a different last name. The thought of that is exciting. I look forward to every day I will share my life with him-- every day I'll continue to be blessed.

Flashback

Back when I was 12 and you were 13, who would've known we'd be here. I wonder what a younger version of you and I would make of us. I wonder if the version of us ten years younger would believe we'd want nothing more than to spend forever together. I wonder.... If they saw it coming, if they somehow felt it in their souls.... at 12, at 13.

Such Vivid Recollections

He looked at her, really looked at her and saw her for who she was. He took her hand in the middle of a crowded room and kissed it and just looked into her eyes. He drove her, she leaned into him the whole way. He sped and cursed the sun for not being up long enough-- she was grateful for the moment. He pulled her close and kissed her, and in that moment it was like they were in a different part of the same universe. She'd heard about fireworks and a feeling of lightness but never of planets colliding and of gravity being swept from under your feet. They clung to it, eyes revealing more than what words could say. After several hours she'd believed it would've only been minutes, saying things without speaking-- some things, after all, need no words to be understood.
He loved her. The clarity of that was made evident. He repeated that phrase in silence, in heartbeat, in the way one holds close to never let go.
 Her mystery was a beauty and adventure, high risk but high reward. His eyes were sunlight, depth, and a longing for something raw and beautiful. She followed their reflection into her own, something mirrored within both, a pulling from deep in her soul. Moments suspended in gentle silence and quiet smilies-- neither wanted to leave the other. Whatever his soul was made of, hers seemed cut from the same point in eternity. And in that hour she was infinite.
He watched her leave. He once again held her close like a promise of home. He kissed her understanding. She faded into the beat of his heart again. But he waited for her. He watched her go with the promise of seeing her again. But he stayed. And when he knew she was safe, he reminded her why he loved her....

Realizations

Never. No never. Not like this. Not ever, never.

What's it like to feel like something's missing? I'll tell you: I've never felt that. 

I wonder. He wonders. Will we get that peace when we get there?

How long will that take?

All the time literally... I wonder. I wait... I dream...

No... Not ever, not like this...

What is it about this time around...?

As my words drift into the ether, as I hold onto what's missing.

You're missing, my love... You're missing...
-------
Here it is, because I'm feeling awfully silly. To be loved. He calls me just because, "Hey baby..." He makes time in the middle of our crazy lives. He finds moments to make me smile, "Hey ma.." He whispers quietly when I feel like curling into the quiet, daydreams with me, "when we..." He loves what I love, my kids, laughs at their antics, builds me up, strengthens my burden, "they need people like you. They'll learn, baby..." He lives love. His lips spill truth and iron and bliss and pain and faith... Broken wholehearted ness...  And all the while I think, was this what I was waiting for? I wonder how much longer.
And I could hear him talk for hours... And all the while I think, if I had to do this again to get to you, I would... I would...

The Distance

It's been a little over a month now and it feels like it's been forever. It's crazy not being able to explain what simply exists even when they're not right there with you. I heard a poem read today by one of my city's well known artists. In it he read a line that stuck with me all day:  "the distance of our love is proximity only. " It's true. 

I don't know what to make of what's next, but I do know that I can see it. I can fear the past or hope for the future. And I know it's impossible to compare like it is to compare the sun to the moon. I can't. He's his own star, his own collected calm and burning passion... I can't. He is, he's been a part of me like I him for longer than I can recall. And the only one to see right through the hardest part of me and still....still stick around. We shoved constelletions into back pockets, shut our hearts to pretend neither one longed for the other, spread ourselves thin...

Till all we could do was break... And watch the stars fall from our fingertips, words heave and breathe with the knowledge that we were supposed to be. Just be.

Us.

Nothing to explain, no questions, just a breath and it is...

Just

Us..

Where the distance of our love was... is proximity... Only 

On Saying vs Doing

You could say it a thousand times, even a million, and never truly mean anything with those words. You can flatter and promise and swear, but leave your words in the wind. Some things are simply better acted on then said. I can count the number of times we've said those words out loud. But I can't fit into a hand the hours of engaged conversation, the times we've laughed and joked, the timed we've shared our strengths and weaknesses. We could have filled our texts and conversations with empty three word phrases, but instead we chose to share our lives-- instead, we choose to take an active interest, your passion is mine and I know mine is yours. When I hurt it hurts him, and when he hurts it hurts me-- so we try to keep the peace, be strong, and put one foot in front of the other for both of us.
When actions speak, words can be secondary. You don't have to hear it said every day or every hour because you know it. In the depths of tour being you feel and see the action, the choice reciprocated.
We share because we want to. And in the quiet, "I love you" doesn't need to be said because it's always shown, always alive.

Cold Start, Warm End

God dang man...
I hate two faced people. You don't even know how frustrating that is to me. And then when you have that person basically trying to butter you up and act all cool like nothing happened. Man... they're out of there.
Get out of there.
Get.
Leave.
Hah...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm 200% done with the drama people have stirred up for no reason whatsoever. People are looking for mountains where there are no molehills to begin with. I gotta admit, it's pretty sad that they feel the need to try and ruin other people's lives just out of spite. But I suppose immaturity will run rampant forever.

On a different note (because Ruby has been asking for detaaaaails) haha, I don't know what there is to say. Let's see... I'll hopefully see him on Wednesday, although it will have to be toned down like 1000 notches because well... church people talk. We gotta play cool. We will have to talk with our eyes. That will be interesting.
I've also gotta say how comfortable I am talking to him. It's as if... no... it is the fact that I don't have to try with him. Everything is natural. Everything just kinda flows without much effort and force. If we talk it's because we want to and because we can. When we can't, well, it's just as cool. After all, we're adults ,and busy, and we understand that.
He is interested in my passions. He assures my fears and builds on my strengths and weaknesses. He isn't afraid to tell me the truth; he steps up. We try to "vibe" together as he says. And we are, so far at least.
I'm comfortable. I feel happy when I hear from him, but I feel secure. He hasn't given me a reason to doubt him. He's been one faced and honest from the start.
I had a really hard time admitting to myself... well... it wasn't that it was hard, it was that I wasn't sure if I believed it myself until I realized it could be nothing else.
I love him.
There, I said it. (You can laugh and squeal now, Ruby. Haha.)
But I do. I love the way he dreams big and works hard; the way he talks so eloquently but still manages to talk real talk... street talk... my talk. I love the way he loves what I love, and how he makes me think even deeper about life, God, family, friends, and all the important things that matter to the both of us. I love that he's firm, stubborn, decided, and makes me feel that I can count on his stability even if he feels he's not all that stable.
But I'm getting silly now. And even though I've been told "it would be weird if you didnt feel anything" silly is a funny feeling. But I suppose it's not the worst of things. We'll see how this goes.
Just putting one foot in front of the other.
Thinking big picture, long term. And I swore I saw my parents half smile when I spoke about him.

March 12th, 2016

Captain's log

....
...
,...

I'm soooo tireddddd man. I've been out most of the day shopping and at Dave and Buster's and my feets hurt. I upgraded my phone, also. I'm too tired to mess with the neat virtual reality goggles it came with.

Alexis says she's the only one who posts and I suppose that's mostly true but I've just been writing in my diary. My diary gets all the attention, and mainly because I can gush about David all I want in there.I'm kind of milking this crush thing to be honest. If he were to read anything I write about him I'd probably look like a cazy chick and he'd want to stay 500 miles away from me.

He also hasn't replied to my text. I hope it wasn't lost in the airwaves as I switched to the new phone... That would be traagic. Or maybe he doesn't want to do anything after all and no response means no though I rather he'd just ay no and not leave me hanging and speculating as to what could be going on.

I'm so tired dude. I just wanna, lie down. Lay down? I don't freakin' know.

Night night

A Draft from 8 Months Ago

I guess because I hadn't realized I had this saved... 
Looking back...
It made me smile...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't know why I'm always surprised when I get a call from him. I guess maybe I'm not used to being on the receiving end. Sometimes he'll get so frustrated texting i'll get a call right then and there,  and I'll pester him for it, because he didn't know if I was busy.
But I answer. Usually, I always answer.

He's an old friend. We go, way back-- back to when 12 year old confusion and frustration was all I knew, and 13 seemed like an impossible age to break for him.
We stopped talking for about a year, things got rough back at home for him. It was always like that, sometimes here and there, sometimes constant, sometimes silence. But he was always first. And when I got those messages, I was always surprised.

Hey

It was usually because he needed advice. Conversations usually turned into arguments between one trying to help and the other trying to justify. In the end it was a draw, both bleeding but happy; we'd learned something that day. Calls were never ended sour at each other.

About a year and a half ago he disappeared. It was a little after I started dating. I didn't hear from him, not really. The last time it was to tell me he hoped it worked out, and that "He  better take care of you" story.

I got a message about 3 days after it all ended. That single Hey. 
He'd changed. I cried listening to all the bs he endured for nearly 2 years that we didn't talk. I felt responsible. He said I wasn't to blame."

Six Hours

I didn't know how quick six hours could fly by. I guess I don't really know what I thought. I suppose I had built it up in my head for so long that when it actually happened, I didn't know how to react. I felt... like a mixture of happy and surreal. I felt like I was half dreaming. Because I suppose that when you convince yourself of something, it's hard to talk yourself out of it. Or so, that's what I thought until I found myself leaning against a shoulder, against a car, being held, holding, laughing, smiling, dreaming... feeling alive. Six hours was enough to experience something I hadn't ever before. It was enough to feel at home. It was enough to be able to sit there, to listen in silence... and be just... fine...
It was enough to tell me everything, and nothing at all. Enough to say all that I loved, and all that I missed without knowing I missed it.
Funny, all that can grow in six hours  ten years. 

From midnight ish today

Good luck reading it

On Trying This Again

Okay, I admit, not even I could see this one coming. Talk about out of no where shock to my comfortable world...
I'm talking about an old friend. By old friend, I mean, I've known this person like ten years already.  I guess you could say that there was something there in the past, but then it was suddenly decided (not by me) that it was nothing more than platonic. And that's where everything else just kinda.... coasted.
Not to say it was bad. We vibed well. I mean, we talked deep conversations for hours and it felt like minutes. We put in crazy hours over 10 years, you know.
Anyway, over the last couple of months we've been talking.. well... kinda talking. It's been on and off I should say. It was still meaningful conversation, of course, but we were both just too busy to sit down and talk like before. It just wasn't happening.

Needless to say, now it's kind of come at me in one giant wave that things were not what they seemed. That maybe, just maybe... well... more than maybe... this could work out. And I don't mean like, just momentary, I mean big picture.
Heck, I hadn't even brought it up yet and he was like *puts foot down and makes committed decision* deal.

Sorry if I sound childish. I don't take it lightly. I guess I am just still overwhelmed by it.
It makes sense.
But it hasn't sunk in.
I'll see him again in two weeks.
Hopefully.
We're both praying.
Not making a decision yet, but knowing what I want.
This time I'm taking it slow. This time I think it'll be reciprocated.
This time he is taking the lead.
This time I'll follow where HE and he carefully, tenderly lead.

Be Confident, Baby

Random post, but! I love this dress and I fit into it so nicely I just couldn't help it! It feels nice to feel good in pretty things like this once in a while.

More Progress

I'm posting this from my phone because, heck, why not. It's been a crazy month filled with crazy adventures. I've gotten to know my kids at school, and have learned how difficult, rewarding, exhausting, exciting it can be to teach a bunch of 16-18 year olds. They're great even when they drive me crazy. I've learned to roll with the punches and to stand my ground. I've made difficult phone calls and made parents smile. I am making a difference. And on a single status, my paycheck is pretty good right now. Actually, I'll be saving money every month for a potential down payment on a house.

Yes ladies and gents, I'm house hunting. Crazy! I hope within the next year I'll have my own place including the perks and burdens that come with it. It's an exciting prospect; I'm actively laying the foundation doe my future and God has been so awesome to provide and continue guiding.
I feel like I went from 0-100 real quick. And like I mentioned in my previous post, it's been such an adventure.

I'm down 25+ lbs from where I used to be. And even though it's gotten tougher since work started,I'm finding ways to keep that scale dropping. The fact that I'm anywhere from 2-3 sizes smaller in clothes is so encouraging. I've just got to remember to keep it up. Good thing is that slow and steady means lasting. And so far I haven't gone anywhere near where I used to be. Thank. God.

But anyway I guess this is just another update, another milestone, another thing to.look back on later. Things are looking bright. And I know that I'm ready for whatever God throws my way, you know... like a partner perhaps.... haha!

Sorry I just needed to humor myself there x3

10 Months Thus Far

And it's not like I've kept count, I literally had to stop and think back, thankfully, hah. I feel like I haven't written in here forever, but with the fifteen minutes before I have to jump into bed for tomorrow (I'll get to that soon), I just want to cover what's been going on so far. I guess it's good to write things down once and a while, huh?

I've learned not to get over-excited. Who would've thought? Right. So I saw potential in someone and things started off well, until well, it just went in the opposite direction and I just kinda decided "Nope." Things happen I guess. There's always the desire to have someone there, but it's when you really start to weigh things that the picture becomes less rose colored, more defined. Unfortunately, this person wasn't quite stable enough in life, still dealing with personal issues they were actively running away from... did I mention they started acting like "Talking" was a high school game... hmm... I know it's weird to say, but I feel like I've finally got my priorities in line, and someone who's still bumming around or unsure of what they want is just... not what's best.

I've gotten healthier. WHAT A ROLLERCOASTER! Okay, now that I've gotten that off my chest. But yeah. I've definitely become much more healthy. I look good (when did I ever think I'd say that straight up). I've been told I look good (need I say more?) I'm not doing it for anyone else, but hey, it's nice to see that my efforts yield results. It's still hella difficult, and I'm battling my family for room in the fridge for veggies and fruits but I'm trying. It's still a struggle. I'm still trying to find a balance, but hey, I'm definitely getting there!

I have a job! Woah, man, welcome to the real world. SO the reason I have only seven minutes left is because I start tomorrow. I know, BAM. I got a call today and couldn't be more excited. Adult life with adult responsibilities with adult everything. Just... wow, so blessed :D

^ That also means I graduated. Summa Cum Laude to be exact. God is awesome!

Hmm... my attitude to life has changed (5 minutes left). I definitely went through a bout of insecurity and frustration, but I think, I've definitely come out changed for the better. I think mostly I've become much more firm, less pushover-y, more grounded, much more secure, decided, and no nonsense. I KNOW. It's funny because a family friend who had come to visit earlier this year came again a few weeks ago. Her biggest comment was that I was a completely different person that she had said goodbye to before. She was proud and she was amazed. Yay.

I've grown up. I guess that's the bulk of it. I've exponentially grown up. I've exponentially learned to love myself and love God. I've exponentially taken responsibility for myself, my dreams, and my relationship with those around me. I'm excited for what the future holds. I feel like I'm finally able to say

Yes, I am a woman, and by God's grace I've worked hard for that.