Realizations

Never. No never. Not like this. Not ever, never.

What's it like to feel like something's missing? I'll tell you: I've never felt that. 

I wonder. He wonders. Will we get that peace when we get there?

How long will that take?

All the time literally... I wonder. I wait... I dream...

No... Not ever, not like this...

What is it about this time around...?

As my words drift into the ether, as I hold onto what's missing.

You're missing, my love... You're missing...
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Here it is, because I'm feeling awfully silly. To be loved. He calls me just because, "Hey baby..." He makes time in the middle of our crazy lives. He finds moments to make me smile, "Hey ma.." He whispers quietly when I feel like curling into the quiet, daydreams with me, "when we..." He loves what I love, my kids, laughs at their antics, builds me up, strengthens my burden, "they need people like you. They'll learn, baby..." He lives love. His lips spill truth and iron and bliss and pain and faith... Broken wholehearted ness...  And all the while I think, was this what I was waiting for? I wonder how much longer.
And I could hear him talk for hours... And all the while I think, if I had to do this again to get to you, I would... I would...

The Distance

It's been a little over a month now and it feels like it's been forever. It's crazy not being able to explain what simply exists even when they're not right there with you. I heard a poem read today by one of my city's well known artists. In it he read a line that stuck with me all day:  "the distance of our love is proximity only. " It's true. 

I don't know what to make of what's next, but I do know that I can see it. I can fear the past or hope for the future. And I know it's impossible to compare like it is to compare the sun to the moon. I can't. He's his own star, his own collected calm and burning passion... I can't. He is, he's been a part of me like I him for longer than I can recall. And the only one to see right through the hardest part of me and still....still stick around. We shoved constelletions into back pockets, shut our hearts to pretend neither one longed for the other, spread ourselves thin...

Till all we could do was break... And watch the stars fall from our fingertips, words heave and breathe with the knowledge that we were supposed to be. Just be.

Us.

Nothing to explain, no questions, just a breath and it is...

Just

Us..

Where the distance of our love was... is proximity... Only