Speaking of Unanswered Questions

Things aren't always peaches and cream. Sometimes when we talk, I find myself not knowing what to say-- crying because I feel quite helpless in knowing what to do. There have been times where the silence drags and I wonder if hanging up would be best, but that's just the child in me talking, and I know that I can make very stupid decisions if I act on an impulse.

But last night was a little different. Something I hadn't really opened up about because I felt like it wasn't fair to Ed. I felt like it would be dragging unnecessary baggage around. But he asked, when I said (in parahprase) yeah, I really hope you never find somebody else.

He asked me why I said that. And I reluctantly pulled back like a kid who's about to get a mouth full of medicine. I didn't wanna talk about that. But he insisted, because he'd asked. And so with as little detail as I could (for sanity's sake), I told him about the past, and the people who cheated, and the people who didn't "cheat" but acted like they much rather be with someone else, better looking, "more beautiful." They cheated with their feelings and their words as if I hadn't noticed.

I cried. I tried not to, but I did. And I felt myself apologizing for things I had no reason to apologize for but felt like I needed to anyway.

Even though he isn't here with me in person (yet, because he'll be here in two days), I felt the hug and the care and all the love in the world when he said "our bond is sacred."

He's never given me a reason to worry. He's always made me feel secure and beautiful and loved. I've never had to question anything, or feel like I wasn't enough.

But it's like a scar that cut deep, those past details. The lies, the finding out through someone else, the having to hear how much others were better than you but not directly because passive-agressiveness and undertones like that.

But it remains, you know? Ed told me, "I could never find what I have with you anywhere else. There's only one of you." And I wondered, what hadn't been enough then.
Not that it really matters anymore, really. I have to admit that if it wasn't for the things that tore my past relationships apart, then I wouldn't be in the position I am today-- one month from legally being a wife, and seven from living together "officially."

I wouldn't trade what happened. Through everything, I gained the most amazing love for me. I couldn't have asked for a better partner-- a beyond faithful and loving one at that.

So while the questions may linger, they don't matter when my fiance loves me without question.

Help... Insomnia

I'm just going to gloss over the fact that I've been laying here for 3 hours trying to fall asleep and talk about other things, even though the title hints at more detail.

Anyway, since I can't sleep, I've been going through Facebook pages of people who used to be at least somewhat important to me. It's not as interesting as it sounds, everyone has their posts set to friends only or they don't post a lot in the first place. I don't know why I still randomly think of these people from time to time. Maybe it's because I've had way too much time to think not being able to sleep and needed more material than the same few people and things I mostly think about when it gets late at night.

Is it true that you'll always feel a little something for past exes? I don't mean any significant feelings that would make me go back to them but like, do you know what I mean? Especially if they weren't crappy significant others and the break up was amicable. I've been fortunate in my relationships to have had them all end in mostly understanding. I also don't quite get people who talk horrible about exes but that's a different tangent.

I was on the facebook page of an ex of mine who I don't have added. I was expecting to feel petty but I ended up leaving his page smiling because of how cute he looked with his current girlfriend in his pictures.

Also, I felt better 'cause his current hairstyle is bad looking compared to the one I knew him for. Haha, sorry, I'm not all that good willed.

I also finally remembered the name of the girl he allegedly cheated on me with and found her facebook through a mutual friend. It was underwhelming since nothing was on the page. Apparently she's married now and got fat. (It's ok if I say that because so did I.)

If these slightly painful experiences were what it took to grow a little, they were totally worth it. Even if the pain was at my expense. I wish them well!

I guess I still think about them because I still have things I would tell them. Yeah, that must be it. Not getting true closure sucks. Being nonconfrontational also sucks sometimes.

I'd ask Robert why we never did anything more than hold hands. Anything more I'd want to say would just be repeats of what I already said back then.
I'd also sk what Margie offered that I didn't, haha...

I'd apologize to Phil for breaking up the way I did. I would have still done it but differently.

I'd tell Miranda I never thought bad of her beyond stupid teenage girl jealousy and definitely didn't blame her at all.

I'd ask Margie if it was worth it.

I'd ask Morgan what he wanted to tell me about Robert but couldn't 'cause Matt got uncomfortable!! Omg, why am I like this. All these little things left unsaid drive me crazy.

The information doesn't mean anything now butit would mean a lot to me jist knowing, if that makes sense. Anyway, I am screwed 'cause I can't sleep.