Speaking of Unanswered Questions

Things aren't always peaches and cream. Sometimes when we talk, I find myself not knowing what to say-- crying because I feel quite helpless in knowing what to do. There have been times where the silence drags and I wonder if hanging up would be best, but that's just the child in me talking, and I know that I can make very stupid decisions if I act on an impulse.

But last night was a little different. Something I hadn't really opened up about because I felt like it wasn't fair to Ed. I felt like it would be dragging unnecessary baggage around. But he asked, when I said (in parahprase) yeah, I really hope you never find somebody else.

He asked me why I said that. And I reluctantly pulled back like a kid who's about to get a mouth full of medicine. I didn't wanna talk about that. But he insisted, because he'd asked. And so with as little detail as I could (for sanity's sake), I told him about the past, and the people who cheated, and the people who didn't "cheat" but acted like they much rather be with someone else, better looking, "more beautiful." They cheated with their feelings and their words as if I hadn't noticed.

I cried. I tried not to, but I did. And I felt myself apologizing for things I had no reason to apologize for but felt like I needed to anyway.

Even though he isn't here with me in person (yet, because he'll be here in two days), I felt the hug and the care and all the love in the world when he said "our bond is sacred."

He's never given me a reason to worry. He's always made me feel secure and beautiful and loved. I've never had to question anything, or feel like I wasn't enough.

But it's like a scar that cut deep, those past details. The lies, the finding out through someone else, the having to hear how much others were better than you but not directly because passive-agressiveness and undertones like that.

But it remains, you know? Ed told me, "I could never find what I have with you anywhere else. There's only one of you." And I wondered, what hadn't been enough then.
Not that it really matters anymore, really. I have to admit that if it wasn't for the things that tore my past relationships apart, then I wouldn't be in the position I am today-- one month from legally being a wife, and seven from living together "officially."

I wouldn't trade what happened. Through everything, I gained the most amazing love for me. I couldn't have asked for a better partner-- a beyond faithful and loving one at that.

So while the questions may linger, they don't matter when my fiance loves me without question.