Rehabilitation

I feel better. I guess that's a relative term. After this surgery and the past months of absolute chaos, I feel like I'm finally recuperating. I feel good about where I'm at, I'm happy with myself and I have plans, lots of them.
It took a retreat to remind me what I was supposed to be doing and what I'd wanted to do. I guess I'd gotten lost trying to figure out who I am now. It would be a lie to say that 2 years don't take their mental and emotional toll. But after I came back I made myself let go of a lot of things; painful as they were they made me feel extremely sad and disappointed in myself.
Now with my tonsils out and 2 weeks into my recovery, I've had a lot of time to reassess things. I want to be happy. I want to feel beautiful. I want to be financially stable. I want a home of my own. I want to love again, and be truly loved in return. But most importantly I want a radical crazy trusting and full relationship with God.
A lot of the things on my list aren't quite there yet, aren't even there. But the last, that's building up to be something truly wonderful.
I'm not where I want to be. But I'm getting there. I've lost a lot, but I know for every tear shed there will be a reason and a purpose. I'm not trying to fill a hole anymore. I'm just living life day by day under the growing friendship with my Father. He'd a better physician than I could've ever asked for; and this is perhaps the toughest rehab mentally physically and emotionally. But I'm sure one day I'll be strong enough to reach what I desire... and yes, maybe one day healed to let love bloom again.