The Comment that Made Me Remember

I don't think I speak for myself when I say that I struggled with my self esteem for many many years. I was actually one of those kids bullied in elementary school. My family's playful teasing and banter didn't help either, so that by the time I was older the only thing I thought about when I looked at the mirror was how ugly and terrible I felt.

It was almost a year ago that a friend started to only wear skirts. She gave me her reasons for dressing modestly and God calling her to do so. She'd told me how she was always feeling the need to be recognized and accepted for being beautiful, and maybe I just couldn't relate. I cared, don't get me wrong, but I'd gotten to the point where I felt hopeless and helpless. My mirror time was spent criticizing myself and thinking that if I didn't like the way I looked, how would I ever expect anyone else to.

Yesterday one of my private tutoring students stopped me mid class and asked, "You don't ever wear pants, do you?" She smiled and crossed her arms, no I don't, at least not anymore. "Why?" she continued. Well, because I felt God asking me to change, to give it a shot and try. It took me a really long time to agree. I started and stopped, put one foot in and out (I hated skirts and dresses with a passion). But it took several really awkward encounters with men to finally make me just... well... change. 

"You look really pretty, you always look so pretty," she said, "I can't even imagine you with pants anymore, did you ever wear them?" I told her yes, and that I'd tried a few weeks ago only to quickly tear them right off and go back to my skirts (I do love them now, haha). She shook her head, she continued to say that she couldn't even remember me wearing pants, only that I always looked so confident and pretty in skirts and dresses;she laughed when I mentioned that I can now look into the mirror and feel happy with who I am, feel beautiful.

I realized I had a lot more in common with my friend than I thought in wanting to be accepted by myself and others. It seems silly that skinny jeans and tight pants could be anyone's temptation. But you'd be surprised by the looks men give young girls who are showing every bend and curve of their bodies. I was trying to get attention too, and I did, but it never made me feel beautiful. It was never enough and I was never convinced.

And that's why I changed. Because God calls us to dress with modesty, to guard our bodies like we guard our hearts. I haven't been very good with either in many, many respects, but I'm making a change.  I've got a long way to go for sure, but it's progress. I feel beautiful. I can look at myself and think "I... look good!." It's silly, I know, but considering the only thing I ever did before was trash talk who I was, listening to God in this area, clothing myself modestly physically and spiritually through Him, well, that's transformed my mind.