I'm Still Not Totally Comfortable (Warning: Deep post is deep)

Talking about my skin condition. Yeah, I have psoriasis, and if you don't know what that is, it's an autoimmune disease that affects the skin. Basically my immune system hates my skin for some reason. Anyway, a few years ago I went through a really difficult time in my life. Severe depression, stress, anxiety and outside "normal" illnesses (caused by certain events) lead to this problem. At the time I didn't understand why on top of everything else, I had to deal with another issue. It wasn't fair.Why, when I was trying to do my best, did God want to burden me with more.
I asked God to take it away. I asked Him to heal me. Several people prayed. I took lots of things from teas to medications to try and make it disappear. But always, always there was a spot that never went away. Always always something burned or itched or became irritated.

I should be grateful, that's what I hear a lot. My case is mild, treatable, more of a nuisance.
But it has affected me.
I get looks sometimes. I'm not contagious, I can't hurt you, or anybody. I didn't ask for it. No i'm  not going to die from it.

I wish I could just say all that, but often times I can't and I just stumble on my words and break.

But I realized something today, as for the thousandth time I applied lotion to places, blew the tiny flakes off my shirt. Maybe... it's not supposed to go away.

I looked back on the season of my life where this all began and it hit me how much I wrestled with God. I fought Him, literally with every ounce of my being. I fought because I wanted a blessing in the midst of trouble, I wanted fairness, I wanted Him to prove to me who He was.

And He did.

Maybe it's not in the way that I wanted, I realized. And sure, its not something that you would call a direct "blessing". But as I read through Jacob's story, where he wrestled with God, I noticed he too was touched in a way we would not consider positive. We were both crippled in a sense-- our pride knocked to nothing.

This "condition" has made me rely on Him more than I ever did before. In a lot of aspects, I pray for peace, for calm, understanding, joy, hope. In the middle of that, my psoriasis lessens, it eases, and though it does not go away completely, it does get better.
The moment I forget and become stressed, overwhelmed and lose my focus on Him it flares-- a reminder that it's time to lay down my pride and let Him take control.

I'm still not totally comfortable talking about my skin condition. But at least I know now that if I understand nothing else about it, even if no one else understands, God has shown me his love and peace and grace through it.

He shows me who He is every day.


P.S Ruby, I did get my hair cut and I really like it (:
P.P.S I promise I'll post something lighter tomorrow! More likely since I'll actually be at school where the crazy adventures are likely to happen!